if you leave out the fact that he hurt you, that he's paranoid, psychotic, overly jealous, delusional, over the top...
he would have been perfect.
god damn break-ups.
god damn attachment.
god damn stay-up-all-night-can't-be-away-from-each-other-have-sex-3-times-a-week.
god damn everything.
god damn it.
goddammit.
gadamet.
gad. am. eet.
GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMN IT.
god.
oh god. i hate this so much. god damn extremes.
when it was good, it was amazing. Again, it's bad, and it's fucking goddamn fucking tor-fucking-ture.
quarter me with 4 horses let them rip me the fuck apart. I should know what's good for me. explanations for events that never happen are a goddamn pain in the ass, YOU UGH i can't even say your name. You hurt me. god damn it. I'll be looking back on this very entry 5 years from now, and I'll think to myself, what the fuck (now repeat 3 times).
god damn you. We could have made it. Why are you putting all the fucking blame on me. Why is is it so hard to see what you've been doing, how you've been pushing me to my limits, of patience, tolerance, trust. You broke my trust in you. You break it constantly actually, every promise of trying to get a hold of your god damn fucking TOPAK your fucking HOLE in the head you call a mouth, imposing that slew of badly chosen PUTANGINABOBOMO's without having real basis for ANYTHING YOU EVER SAY.
It makes me soooo mad. And i cant even talk to ANYONE about it. Because you were my goddamn motherfucking bestfuckingfriend now an ex god damn you. I am so tired of saying that I am tired of explaining and convincing you of my "love" god fucking damn it. My patience has run dry and I'm not about to jump in and just say yes whenever you feel like pretending to be a god damn know-it-all you self-righteous "blameless" fucktard. Texting and calling and pretending to be sorry or pretending to want to work it out. YOU DON'T WANT TO WORK IT OUT. YOU WANT ME BACK JUST SO YOU CAN DO ALL THAT AGAIN. Just so you can freak out whenever I'm out of the god damned dorm/house. Just so you can make up drama out of a text that was completely objective.
I can't even talk to anyone about this because no one will fucking understand how hard it is to decide to leave someone you have loved so much (though this is the first time I've felt this serious about any fucking thing) for something that was socially speaking, a goddamn good reason to back the fuck away from your motherfucking hands. It's different when it gets physical. How many times has this happened? Twice? After Quito's and then Mag:Net. God fucking damn you motherfucking ignorant nutless bastard. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, don't expect to be forgiven any time soon. If at all. FUCKINGLSKfjaldhg
I can't talk to anyone who can understand what it's like to meet someone you connect with and just love the fuck out of and then gradually realize that the relationship is getting worse. I can't talk to anyone who might understand what it's like to find someone you really WANT to spend the rest of your life with but CAN'T for fear of losing sight of yourself, for fear of being hurt again. for fear of mistakenly falling for another one of your stupid fucking "revelations" and changes of heart. IT'S BEEN MORE THAN A FUCKING YEAR FUCKING GET OVER IT.
I blame you. You ruined our second chance. You just couldn't allow yourself to give in to what could have been a great relationship. god damn dense pinhead. You had to be wary. That's understandable for a few months, but going to the extremes of giving me the 3rd degree every time your Sicko Sense tingles. god fucking damn you. Finding reasons to make me feel like I wasn't good enough, reasons to call me a whore, to make me feel stupid and full of all the blame. I wouldn't have left you in the first place if you were treating me right. Have you ever considered that? Of course not. And I don't expect you to. If and when we do get around to talking about it, I know for a fucking fact that you will always justify every mistake I've made to be a fault of my own and mine only. Get away from the fucking toke smoke in your eyes and take a big gander at everything you've ever done. And YOU feel like you're a good boyfriend just because you treat me RELATIVELY better than the last few you've stepped on.
God damn you.
I know this is the fifty-millionth post about another BREAK-UP with Jed, who I allegedly 'love'. I am so tired of this. I mean I don't mind if he asks me to stop doing things that bother him, you know, the BIG things, but when you top it off with trying to tamper with even the small things about me, it just kind of sets me off. There is no equality in this relationship. I'm a walking tribute to a 30s "Be A Good Wife" magazine. Know your place. Never question him. He is always right. I AM EIGHTEEN THIS IS NOT WHAT A TEENAGE RELATIONSHIP SHOULD FEEL LIKE. This is not me. I stand up for my self. I have my own set of values
that are apparently MUCH MORE rational than any of his. It's so hard. I just know I'll regret this in the morning, which of course I'll try not to think too much about. Damn it. I even bought credits to go on unli for a week. :( oh well. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OCCUPY MYSELF WITHIN THE WEEK. PLLLEAAASEEEE. I guess I have to dump the rest of the vector files ive been working on. UGH. I've been his fangirl. I'll try and do better stuff. But for the sake of good bye's here's one of the last ones i was working on. Theyre pretty sucky though.
SHOT! reference for those of you who have been living under rocks: Six Days DJ Shadow ft Mos Def . I was listening to that song when I actually decided to convert the potential energy in my fingers to kinetic and constructive energy.
Situation
I havent written anything in soooo long. My fingers have been itching for the continuous clickity clack of my keyboard which sounds much more musical when i'm blogging than when i'm doing rewrites for a measly twenty to thirty pesos. (Twenty to thirty philippine pesos is equivalent to just one large order of Mickey D's fries.)
Generation
"have you ever been fake for the sake of saving face? ... Doesn't matter what they say" -CIWWAF. Fucking long band name that is. I've generated this new ideal. I mean well Im trying not to care too much about what other people are talking about. I've been such a willing ear for needless gossip and i want to remedy that. Plus I really don't think participating much in whatever's the flavor of the insert-period-of-time-here is a good way to waste time. Wasting time is also not a good way of wasting time, in fact, time should not be wasted, get naked. Which brings me to the subject of saving face. I say to hell with IMAGE AND REPUTATION! Im actually kind of confused right now cause this morning i was thinking about building this image to get what I want, right. anyway, right now I'm into NOT CARING so yeah. It's much easier not too, and it gives you less stress. Plus it provides you with unwilling sources of entertainment when you start walking around in your underwear with your crack airing itself out for the whole universe to see (Just like this girl from my community service class thing we have for school who kept showing everyone her HooHOo --- fine, well not her HooHoo per se, but well pull it down a few millimeters and you strike gold baby). ANYWAY i digress, i have generated this ideal of not caring as much as others do. It actually clashes with my boyfriend's ideals because he's all about image, so I've found a way to reconcile the two contradicting ideals we both have. I shall become a potato or a cucumber. hur. thing is, you can keep trying to please everyone around you, but people will talk shit if they want to and you can't stop that. Who are you really living for anyway? These assholes, your classmates and disposable friends who youre probabaly going to lose contact with in a few years or less or yourself? Reading Wanted comics really supports what Im going for right now. BTW side note: the movie although great, was not as bad ass as the comic, man.
Escalation
Which leads me to my next brain fart, these constant arguments between me and my Jedi have been really getting to me. Stupid me stupid me. But man, i think I can relate to Alyssa in Chasing Amy.
Disclaimer: I do not experiment, K?
Holden: They used you!
Alyssa: No! I used them! You don't think I would've let it happen if I hadn't wanted to? Do you? I was an experimental girl for Christ sake! Maybe you knew from early on your track was from point A to be, but unlike you I was not given a fucking map at birth, so I tried it all! That is until we, you and I, got together and suddenly I was satisfied!
This kind of conversation is on a constant rerun during arguments. I AM NOT AT ALL AS SEXUALLY EXPERIMENTAL AS SHE WAS OKAY. yeah im defensive. AND I DO NOT SLEEP AROUND though some of you might think so. I'm just vocal, alright. I put into words what you people think about in your little heads. But like her, I do have a past that bothers my present. I wish my man could just see what Silent Bob saw before. Here's an excerpt from the movie, this was after Silent Bob was telling Holden about his ex girlfriend's escapades:
Silent Bob: So, I'm totally weirded out by this, right? And I just start blastin' her. Like I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is by callin' her a slut, right? And tell her she was used. I'm-I'm out for blood. I really wanna hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem?", right. And she's just all calmly tryin' to tell me like it was that time and it was that place and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. I'm like, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her strait in the eye, I tell her it's over. I walk.
Jay: Fucking-A.
Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like-like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm saayin'? But, what I did not get, she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was - she was looking for me, for-for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late, man. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy... So to speak.
Devastation
I just want all these arguments to end because its really putting a downer on me, and Ive been trying to be strong. I want to make him happy. I know what Im doing, and I really want to be with him, and it devastates me to think that he doesn't believe in my love for him.
Separation
Okay, setting that aside, I am awesome. i just had to say this, because i believe in the ego diet.
Dissipation
In the time I've taken to write down that first paragraph I have also simultaneously finished upgrading my village on Tribal Wars. I'm a geek that way, alright? Anyway yeah i miss blogging. I haven't had much time to get these things in my head unfangled and untangled. Right now, I'm listening to Cute is What We Aim For's Do What You Do from their album Rotation. Anyway, last week, best happy time ever with Jed. The clash playing in the Background. I Fought The Law upped the ante and served its purpose as the soundtrack to our little tryst. Right now, I think we're good. I mean yeah we're good, but we're still working on our problems.
Anyway, I really want to know what to do with my life, and I'm trying to figure it out slowly. One thing's for sure, I know who I want to be with. That's probably what a typical MySpace emo teen wristslasherXXXXX might say but hell, im 18, allow me my drama.
It's been a week since me and Jed were kind of iffy with each other. So far, we're doing pretty well, we could do better. and i'm trying to make it up to him. I'm thankful he gave me another chance. I feel lucky to have him despite what other people advising against me being with him. i ♥ him so much :)
I blog (ibiza) because I'd like to think that A) there are in fact still a few people interested in reading about what's been going on with me and B)that my blogs waste your time. HA! i have stolen your time. LABO. My SUPERWEEK started with my SUPERWEEKEND on FRIDAY, jed's birthday. We hung out here in merville (ibiza) doing absolutely nothing and looking like fools. saturday was with Pam, Nine, Kikay, Caloy, Bea + my brother. Same night as Jed's beerday bash. got super hammerrrrrrrred. hammered with BEER not nailed! okay?
okay. okay. MONDAY SAW ALL MY LOVES AGAIN! ♥ Saw the yellow man. GOLD pala I mean. beautiful. this is the golden boy:
Jed got the itching to watch Hitman, went to Groinbelt to learn that Hitman does not (ibiza)show till the 21st of this month. very nice of him to check in advance. we ended up watching beowulf. THEY SHOWED JOLIE'S NIPPLE!! in the end. hahaha it was funny because, well I'm weird that way. the graphics were woooooooow. Rothgar's (anthony hopkin's) nosehair looked so reallll!! it made me feel sorry for the Enteng Kabisote. which i plan to actually go see one of these days. THURSDAY i waited for my carpool that was supposed to pick me up at 5 but i ended up waiting with Iya and Ansel until 8! 8!!!! I was out by 2. Then today, FUR-eye-day, supposed to go to the dentist but it got cancelled so me and Jed went to Gringo-belt (ibiza)again and watched SupahBAHD. superbad. super. it was okay. the heavy dude with the tits did not really look like he was still in high school. It was a fun fun fun day! FUN WEEK :)
Which brings me to my next thought, this week was sooooo (ibiza) nice I bet that something bad's gonna happen to me soon. That's usually the case for me. I have rotten luck, you see. NOW tomooooorrrroooooow I dont know what to do.
Here they are in increasing order based on the subject matter you are able to discuss with them:
-People you can talk to about other people picking on you or backstabbing you, your problems in school like grades and stuff
-People you talk to about your younger brother/sister being annoying
-People you talk to about deep family shit like vacations and why you they wont let you have your own car
-people you talk to about the hurtful things your parents say to you when they get upset with you
-people you talk to about your past heartbreaks
-people you talk to about your past experience.. you know that kind of experience. SEX.
-people you talk to about all your insecurities, your deepest fears, your problems
-people like JED :)
yeah i know, cheesy post. :p