Himeros et Pothos

if you leave out the fact that he hurt you, that he's paranoid, psychotic, overly jealous, delusional, over the top...

he would have been perfect.

god damn break-ups.

god damn attachment.

god damn stay-up-all-night-can't-be-away-from-each-other-have-sex-3-times-a-week.

god damn everything.

god damn it.

goddammit.
gadamet.
gad. am. eet.

GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMN IT.

god.




oh god. i hate this so much. god damn extremes.

when it was good, it was amazing. Again, it's bad, and it's fucking goddamn fucking tor-fucking-ture.

quarter me with 4 horses let them rip me the fuck apart. I should know what's good for me. explanations for events that never happen are a goddamn pain in the ass, YOU UGH i can't even say your name. You hurt me. god damn it. I'll be looking back on this very entry 5 years from now, and I'll think to myself, what the fuck (now repeat 3 times).

god damn you. We could have made it. Why are you putting all the fucking blame on me. Why is is it so hard to see what you've been doing, how you've been pushing me to my limits, of patience, tolerance, trust. You broke my trust in you. You break it constantly actually, every promise of trying to get a hold of your god damn fucking TOPAK your fucking HOLE in the head you call a mouth, imposing that slew of badly chosen PUTANGINABOBOMO's without having real basis for ANYTHING YOU EVER SAY.

It makes me soooo mad. And i cant even talk to ANYONE about it. Because you were my goddamn motherfucking bestfuckingfriend now an ex god damn you. I am so tired of saying that I am tired of explaining and convincing you of my "love" god fucking damn it. My patience has run dry and I'm not about to jump in and just say yes whenever you feel like pretending to be a god damn know-it-all you self-righteous "blameless" fucktard. Texting and calling and pretending to be sorry or pretending to want to work it out. YOU DON'T WANT TO WORK IT OUT. YOU WANT ME BACK JUST SO YOU CAN DO ALL THAT AGAIN. Just so you can freak out whenever I'm out of the god damned dorm/house. Just so you can make up drama out of a text that was completely objective.

I can't even talk to anyone about this because no one will fucking understand how hard it is to decide to leave someone you have loved so much (though this is the first time I've felt this serious about any fucking thing) for something that was socially speaking, a goddamn good reason to back the fuck away from your motherfucking hands. It's different when it gets physical. How many times has this happened? Twice? After Quito's and then Mag:Net. God fucking damn you motherfucking ignorant nutless bastard. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, don't expect to be forgiven any time soon. If at all. FUCKINGLSKfjaldhg

I can't talk to anyone who can understand what it's like to meet someone you connect with and just love the fuck out of and then gradually realize that the relationship is getting worse. I can't talk to anyone who might understand what it's like to find someone you really WANT to spend the rest of your life with but CAN'T for fear of losing sight of yourself, for fear of being hurt again. for fear of mistakenly falling for another one of your stupid fucking "revelations" and changes of heart. IT'S BEEN MORE THAN A FUCKING YEAR FUCKING GET OVER IT.

I blame you. You ruined our second chance. You just couldn't allow yourself to give in to what could have been a great relationship. god damn dense pinhead. You had to be wary. That's understandable for a few months, but going to the extremes of giving me the 3rd degree every time your Sicko Sense tingles. god fucking damn you. Finding reasons to make me feel like I wasn't good enough, reasons to call me a whore, to make me feel stupid and full of all the blame. I wouldn't have left you in the first place if you were treating me right. Have you ever considered that? Of course not. And I don't expect you to. If and when we do get around to talking about it, I know for a fucking fact that you will always justify every mistake I've made to be a fault of my own and mine only. Get away from the fucking toke smoke in your eyes and take a big gander at everything you've ever done. And YOU feel like you're a good boyfriend just because you treat me RELATIVELY better than the last few you've stepped on.

God damn you.