Himeros et Pothos

I just wrote another analysis on the story Dead Stars by Paz Marquez Benitez. This is quite possibly my gazillionth attempt at a comrehensive one. For anyone that may need help with some homework, contact me, leave a comment or something in my links page. I have quite a few.

On the subject of Dead Stars, i've recently discovered this artist, Jose Gonzales, while reading this new webcomic ive fallen in love with link click HERE.

I've also been quite busy on deviantart, well, not busy-busy. but I havent been doing much except for mucking around with photoshop. all pretty mediocre work i say. I need more inspiration!! I feel the urge to paint some more. I also have a shitload of drawings and paintings left to upload. Ugh. So many ways to procrastinate, so little time. I AM SOOOOOO lsdkhfklsdh with everything

oh and I have braces now, too. I've had them for about 6 days now and they still hurt like hell. I didn't expect this. I can't eat MEAT!!!!! I can't even kiss properly. UGH I AM BRACEFACE :(( 

I feel like i've been living someone else's life for the past year and half. I've lost myself and everything I stood for. I've lost sight of everything I used to believe in. When you're with someone with a personality that rivals your own in intensity, there is a tendency for you to let go of the grasp you once held on reality.

you forget that you used to not care how wild you could be

you forget how much liquoryou were actually capable of holding

you forget that you like being alone on sundays and relaxing

you forget that you like hanging out with different, strange and often scary but interesting people

you forget that you like waking up early in the morning (which is now impossible because of all the late night phone calls and arguments)

you forget that you never feel guilty when you flirt playfully with other boys

you forget that you don't care about the time when you're out on the town

you forget that you like taking adventures in trains without having to tell anyone where you are

you forget that you once liked going for walks 

you forget that you once liked hanging out with your friends who may not have always been or ever will be good influences but a hell of a lot of fun

you forget that you, yourself were once fun

you were the life of the party

you were the center of the universe

now you're just a plain old girl. With nothing, no one. You've forgotten what you used to tell yourself: "live like it's your last day on earth, no regrets" you've forgotten that when you love, you love with a flourish of passion and drama - which he has quelled to a dull throb in your chest - almost painful, almost sore.

You've forgotten who you are. You used to believe in so many things. You used to believe in life and not choice, acting and not waiting, believing in everything, falling (in every sense of the word) and not stumbling into love.

What has happened to you? You fell, you fumbled, don't change. Don't let go of the last remnants of your once sad, yes, meager, yes, but true life. Stop masquerading as someone's perfect girl. Stop trying to please. Stop demanding. Stop arguing. Stop fighting. Just go with it. Stop crying. Stop being such a pussy. Stop being a woman. Puff up that chest. Don't give in. Find a hobby. Forget regret.

Feel lucky that you were able to experience this. But learn and move on.

We have no one to live for but ourselves and each other.

I know this is the fifty-millionth post about another BREAK-UP with Jed, who I allegedly 'love'. I am so tired of this. I mean I don't mind if he asks me to stop doing things that bother him, you know, the BIG things, but when you top it off with trying to tamper with even the small things about me, it just kind of sets me off. There is no equality in this relationship. I'm a walking tribute to a 30s "Be A Good Wife" magazine. Know your place. Never question him. He is always right. I AM EIGHTEEN THIS IS NOT WHAT A TEENAGE RELATIONSHIP SHOULD FEEL LIKE. This is not me. I stand up for my self. I have my own set of values that are apparently MUCH MORE rational than any of his. It's so hard. I just know I'll regret this in the morning, which of course I'll try not to think too much about. Damn it. I even bought credits to go on unli for a week. :( oh well. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OCCUPY MYSELF WITHIN THE WEEK. PLLLEAAASEEEE. I guess I have to dump the rest of the vector files ive been working on. UGH. I've been his fangirl. I'll try and do better stuff. But for the sake of good bye's here's one of the last ones i was working on. Theyre pretty sucky though.

With Mr. Jed Ivan Lavado Reodica

made within the months of June and July 2008

He and I bear witness to this verbal contract.

On July 30, 2008, if by then he has not gained a significant and very noticeable amount of weight, he must pay Natasia Noble Php 1,000.00 (one thousand pesos). If he is successful however, Natasia Noble will pay him Php 1,500.oo (one thousand five hundred pesos)

In the second up to the third month of their marriage, if and when Jed Reodica utters the statement "I need time alone for my hobbies" or anything close to that idea, he will purchase for his wife, Natasia Noble, Manolo Blahniks - his most expensive pair.


See reference:
Asia Is The Best: so pusta ko
Asia Is The Best: by the 2nd or 3rd month of our marriage mafefeel mo yung need na medyo pabayaan kita maglaro
Asia Is The Best: ok/
Jedibebe: ano nnman
Jedibebe: ok
Jedibebe: you will lose
Jedibebe: makikita mo lng ako
Jedibebe: nag luluto ka
Jedibebe: nasa tabi lgn ako
Asia Is The Best: if i win, you have to buy me Manolo Blahniks - size 8 - classic black pumps
Jedibebe: nakaupo nanunuod
Jedibebe: inaantay ka
Jedibebe: tapos naka open lng ung ps3
Jedibebe: or like nag tatahi ka
Jedibebe: kita mo lng ako sa tabi nak ganito
Asia Is The Best: hahahaha
Asia Is The Best: ok
Asia Is The Best: )
Jedibebe: always waiting for my baby
Asia Is The Best: pero im serious this goes on record
Jedibebe: like anliligo ka
Asia Is The Best: yan ah
Asia Is The Best: agree?
Jedibebe: nsa gilid ako
Jedibebe: ewan daya
Jedibebe: yoko ng gnun
Jedibebe: gsto ko
Jedibebe: KASAMA
Jedibebe: lagilagi

SHOT! reference for those of you who have been living under rocks: Six Days DJ Shadow ft Mos Def . I was listening to that song when I actually decided to convert the potential energy in my fingers to kinetic and constructive energy.

Situation

I havent written anything in soooo long. My fingers have been itching for the continuous clickity clack of my keyboard which sounds much more musical when i'm blogging than when i'm doing rewrites for a measly twenty to thirty pesos. (Twenty to thirty philippine pesos is equivalent to just one large order of Mickey D's fries.)

Generation

"have you ever been fake for the sake of saving face? ... Doesn't matter what they say" -CIWWAF. Fucking long band name that is. I've generated this new ideal. I mean well Im trying not to care too much about what other people are talking about. I've been such a willing ear for needless gossip and i want to remedy that. Plus I really don't think participating much in whatever's the flavor of the insert-period-of-time-here is a good way to waste time. Wasting time is also not a good way of wasting time, in fact, time should not be wasted, get naked. Which brings me to the subject of saving face. I say to hell with IMAGE AND REPUTATION! Im actually kind of confused right now cause this morning i was thinking about building this image to get what I want, right. anyway, right now I'm into NOT CARING so yeah. It's much easier not too, and it gives you less stress. Plus it provides you with unwilling sources of entertainment when you start walking around in your underwear with your crack airing itself out for the whole universe to see (Just like this girl from my community service class thing we have for school who kept showing everyone her HooHOo --- fine, well not her HooHoo per se, but well pull it down a few millimeters and you strike gold baby). ANYWAY i digress, i have generated this ideal of not caring as much as others do. It actually clashes with my boyfriend's ideals because he's all about image, so I've found a way to reconcile the two contradicting ideals we both have. I shall become a potato or a cucumber. hur. thing is, you can keep trying to please everyone around you, but people will talk shit if they want to and you can't stop that. Who are you really living for anyway? These assholes, your classmates and disposable friends who youre probabaly going to lose contact with in a few years or less or yourself? Reading Wanted comics really supports what Im going for right now. BTW side note: the movie although great, was not as bad ass as the comic, man.

Escalation

Which leads me to my next brain fart, these constant arguments between me and my Jedi have been really getting to me. Stupid me stupid me. But man, i think I can relate to Alyssa in Chasing Amy.
Disclaimer: I do not experiment, K?

Holden: They used you!
Alyssa: No! I used them! You don't think I would've let it happen if I hadn't wanted to? Do you? I was an experimental girl for Christ sake! Maybe you knew from early on your track was from point A to be, but unlike you I was not given a fucking map at birth, so I tried it all! That is until we, you and I, got together and suddenly I was satisfied!

This kind of conversation is on a constant rerun during arguments. I AM NOT AT ALL AS SEXUALLY EXPERIMENTAL AS SHE WAS OKAY. yeah im defensive. AND I DO NOT SLEEP AROUND though some of you might think so. I'm just vocal, alright. I put into words what you people think about in your little heads. But like her, I do have a past that bothers my present. I wish my man could just see what Silent Bob saw before. Here's an excerpt from the movie, this was after Silent Bob was telling Holden about his ex girlfriend's escapades:

Silent Bob: So, I'm totally weirded out by this, right? And I just start blastin' her. Like I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is by callin' her a slut, right? And tell her she was used. I'm-I'm out for blood. I really wanna hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem?", right. And she's just all calmly tryin' to tell me like it was that time and it was that place and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. I'm like, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her strait in the eye, I tell her it's over. I walk.
Jay: Fucking-A.
Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like-like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm saayin'? But, what I did not get, she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was - she was looking for me, for-for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late, man. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy... So to speak.

Devastation

I just want all these arguments to end because its really putting a downer on me, and Ive been trying to be strong. I want to make him happy. I know what Im doing, and I really want to be with him, and it devastates me to think that he doesn't believe in my love for him.

Separation

Okay, setting that aside, I am awesome. i just had to say this, because i believe in the ego diet.


Dissipation

In the time I've taken to write down that first paragraph I have also simultaneously finished upgrading my village on Tribal Wars. I'm a geek that way, alright? Anyway yeah i miss blogging. I haven't had much time to get these things in my head unfangled and untangled. Right now, I'm listening to Cute is What We Aim For's Do What You Do from their album Rotation. Anyway, last week, best happy time ever with Jed. The clash playing in the Background. I Fought The Law upped the ante and served its purpose as the soundtrack to our little tryst. Right now, I think we're good. I mean yeah we're good, but we're still working on our problems.

Anyway, I really want to know what to do with my life, and I'm trying to figure it out slowly. One thing's for sure, I know who I want to be with. That's probably what a typical MySpace emo teen wristslasherXXXXX might say but hell, im 18, allow me my drama.

I actually googled this band when i saw it in today's Questionable Content Comic. Damn that for making me hope for the existence of such a band. Makes me wonder if i should start my own. I don't have any musical capabilities whatsoever, but i can whistle a fine tune. Anyone else up to making this a reality?

Anticipation has a habit to set you up for disappointment..

The Arctic Monkeys couldnt have sung it any better. I've been waiting a lot this whole time. Thing is, I don't know what I've been waiting for. I wish I was blessed with a clear head to see and realize what it is I want. I still don't know. I mean I know I don't have to know what i want out of a relationship yet, but there's something in me that's just itching to find out. I can't wait to rediscover that happiness I once felt. I mean it's exhilirating, it's addictive! It's euphoria. I wish I could appreciate the little things around me, I wish I was easier to please. I try, but I end up seeing the disappointment in everything.

In all truth I try to avoid being pessimistic. It's unhealthy.

I wrote a paper for my psych class. I'm supposed to be evaluating who I am as a person, or whatever. This is what I've come up with:

*I dint spellcheck or grammar check, so yeah.


Asia is

When it comes to writing about myself, I usually have no qualms about getting all those wonderful and glorious words down on paper. But now that I have to analyze myself as objectively as I possibly can, then that is what I'm having difficulty with. People are said to be defined by what they do, what they wear or what they eat. We measure who we are by the standards that other people has set for us. I disagree with this. I believe that no one really knows who he or she is. But for the sake of an analysis on who I supposedly am, here goes.

Starting with the basics, I am of average female height, my weight is appropriate to my height, and I'm pretty satisfied with how I look physically. I am of legal age and of Filipino descent. My parents separated when I was about 10, and I've learned to deal with that. Although, this event in my life caused me to have issues with men, which will be further discussed later. I live with my grandparents, and I was raised by everyone in the family. There is no distinct ruling body in our household – it's just everyone trying to keep their territory and trying to impose their rules on each other.

As a child I was violent. Before getting separated, my parents were often called to my school because of circumstances involving my displays of physical superiority over the sniveling brats in my class. I was sort of a tomboy. I guess I still kind of am. I have a taste for things boys like. Growing up, I appreciated the World Wrestling Federation. I was very into physical sports like football and rugby. I really liked playing with airguns and sticks. I loved playing outside. I was always the only girl in a big group of boys. I believe this accounts for my aggressive behavior. I still have a little of this, when it comes to dating, I don't like playing the damsel in distress. I'm usually first to speak my mind and I can be very controlling.

I'd like to believe that my low emotional stability (only 26% according to the Cattell 16 test) was generated by the aftermath of my parents splitting up. I remember times when I'd feel really bad because I had to take care of my mother. She was depressed for about a year. I was scared that I might end up like her one day. I took it out on myself. I was often irritable because I didn't know what I could do to change my life. My life in and out of the house were two polar opposites. This may account for the polarity of my moods. I never mixed issues outside with issues with my family. Or so I thought. I later realized that most of my social interactions were influenced greatly by how I behaved and how I was treated at home. At home I was pretty aggressive and I stood up for myself a lot, outside I was pretty easy-going and passive. The tension at home was so different from the ease I thought I felt outside.

I am a pessimistic person, though I've been trying to be more optimistic lately. Ignorance is bliss and I'd rather live happily in blind ignorance than in cruel and waking reality. I try and believe in the best of a person, but the little voice (not literally – I'm not crazy yet, though I think I'll be driven to be some day) inside my head always ends up believing in the worst of people. I'm kind of paranoid. This I think was also caused by my dad's abandonment. I never saw it coming. I tend to believe that people end up betraying you in the end. I think I project these things from what I feel inside, I actually end up doing what I think other people might do to me. In the course of 3 years, which is pretty short, I have managed to kind of abandon the people who have cared for me. I detached myself because I think maybe, I'm scared that they'd detach themselves from me.

For a while I was a very tense person, but I guess my lax personality now was due to a learned helplessness when it comes to the problems I have at home. I can never really do anything about the problems at home because I have no say in anything there. I don't really glum over stuff that happens with friends. When it comes to stressing over people, I only stress about my family and whoever I'm dating at the moment. I like having a lot of friends but I usually just keep a few around me.

I think I may have an oral fixation. I'm fond of biting things. Biting people is a show of affection for me. I don't smoke and I'm not as fond of lollipops as most are, but I'm fond of babbling on and I usually can't control the stuff that I say. I'm sarcastic most of the time and I do think I may develop a dependence on alcohol soon, not that I'd want to. I was over-indulged when I was a child. I was a very spoiled brat. I didn't stop drinking from the bottle until I was seven or eight years old. I think even if I'd like to believe I'm an independent being, I am in fact dependent on other people. I like collecting favors and IOU's because that way, I know that I might be able to depend on other people when I might need to.

I believe that I am also quite stuck in the genital stage of Freud's stages of psychosexual development. College is a den of sex. Some of my really close batchmates, right as this moment, may be having sex with each other. Not that this is something worth mentioning. I don't approve of promiscuity. I don't believe that pre-marital sex is a sin, though. I believe its something natural and it just happens to be one of those basic needs like food and shelter. Which means I'm quite over the 3rd stage of Kohlberg's Moral Development. I don't like over thinking about my peers standards when it comes to sexuality and gender roles.

I adapt easily to my environment. As I mentioned before, I would change my demeanor depending on who I was with, whether it was my family, my friends or a boyfriend. I find it easy and actually quite fun to observe how people behave and how to act based on how people define what's acceptable. I have limits however, so I don't compromise my morals if I'm given a different set of people. I like belonging to someone or something, but at the same time I don't. This is very difficult for me because I end up not knowing what I really want to do.

In conclusion, I still don't know who I am. I doubt I'm going to find out. Lately I've just been trying to find out what I want out of life and who I really want to be. I'm taking my time.


-- So anyway, I reread this, and I failed to mention a lot of other stuff that I find might be important to mention.

I really want to do something with my life. I need more motivation. i always fall short of phenomenal.

i dont know what i want out of my life. I don't know how to deal with my impulses. if I could have one wish, it would be to know what I really want and know what to do to get it. Okay those are two things.

I wanna go with my feelings. The problem is I really don't know how I feel about anything.

RIP Ana Cunanan

My classmate in senior year just recently passed away. Cardiac arrest. Someone told me that she always knew she would die. How does someone handle that? You know, the knowledge of his/her own impending death? I woulndt know what I would do. Well, the obvious things would come first, like doing everything I cold before my time runs out, like streaking in a public area, sky diving or even swimming in a tub of spaghetti a la Patch Adams, I'd probably tell everybody I was going to die soon, an that we should celebrate everything we could before I did. But then I'd also choose to keep it a secret too. It would be weird knowing that people were treating you the way they do because they knew you'd bite the dust pretty soon. I think I'd prefer living the rest of my life normally sans special treatment.

Anyway, cause of this, I've been thinking a lot about the decisions I have made. Including my dating decisions. I really like the guy I'm going out with now, but then Jed and I were getting pretty serious. Am i a fool for wanting to take a breather from such a relationship? I mean I really don't know. I'm not supposed to be worrying about stuff like this yet. I'm barely 18!

I wish I could just live in ignorance and not know what's good for me.

I hate being given choices. I'd rather just accept my fate and deal with it than have freedom to choose and have to hurt someone.

Breasts

I may not have the best pair of boobs but I'd like to think that yeah, they're not so bad, and they're definitely part of the better looking breasts of the Ateneo populace. True, it does somehow add to my over-all appeal as a female but everyone just sees a girl with breasts. So, I wear shirts that cover them when i feel like hiding them. They make me stand out yet I have also found out that I can actually hide behind them, though not literally. I like my breasts and I actually like the attention people give me because of them. They make people who wouldn't usually talk to me, talk to me, but then it disappoints me because it makes me seem incapable of making a normal connection using just my personality without the influence of my physical gifts. How have breasts become a definition of how womanly you are? What has become of writing or eloquence in words as standards of how a feminine a woman is? I believe that women should not be judged by how they look, beautiful or otherwise, but in how they behave. This is not a patriarchal view because these are my views. I'd rather talk and walk like a lady than be a brute of a man with no manners at all. I mean women should be able to express what they want without having to worry about how other people perceive her. I think the stereotypical demeanor of a woman is not really something that confines us women but something that sets us apart from the animals. I want to be able to talk about anything from something as menial as hoemwork to something as vulgar as sex without sounding like a depraved man would, without looking like a cheap-ass woman. I think that women today, think too much of being labeled as a stereotypical patriarchal woman that it somehow also confines them into acting the opposite way just to prove that they are atypical. We are too concerned about how people see us that it hinders us from doing what we really want to. It is unfair for men AND women to define me as a woman that is atypical just because I behave like a brute sometimes. It is also unfair for men and women to define me as a stereotypical woman just because I CHOOSE to act like a lady at certain times as well. I have been defined as this manly girl by the people around me because I can talk openly about certain things that usually only men can talk about. But how is everything I have said connected with my breasts? EASY! People wont take you seriously if you don't look like their standard “acceptable, pretty girl”. Given what I have, and given what other people have not, It gives me a small advantage at having my voice heard as a woman. I can use my brains,Ii can use my verbal skills but it is SO MUCH EASIER to use what you have physically. I am saying that I shouldn't care about how people see my use of what I have. I should not pay heed to people thinking I am a “flirt” or “cheap” when I do flirt to get what I want. Men use their masculinity to get what they want right? Why not use what I have to get what I want? But just to set the record straight, I don't sleep with people to get what I want. I just use what I have to kind of encourage them into doing what i want so I can have my way. I should, but I can't because that is my problem and that is what society, especially the culture of our country has gotten me used to. You cannot use your “beauty” or more specifically, your breasts to get what you want because men, although having a high regard for breasts, think that these are all you are and these are you'll be, therefore you cannot use them because it will seem unfair to them that fall victim to your “manipulative” ways.

I hold this chocolate wrapper
In my hand I hold something true.
I turn it
Once around, I see that I wrote The Date
You first gave me one of these and the place you did
(We were breaking up then, too)
It was great, that we shared what we shared
But I turn it over again
And now it's just another scrap of paper

I hardly even remember




I will miss 2007!!


I fear the day I forget how you smile, how you smell, so hold my hand and don't let go baby :*

♥jed