Anticipation has a habit to set you up for disappointment..
The Arctic Monkeys couldnt have sung it any better. I've been waiting a lot this whole time. Thing is, I don't know what I've been waiting for. I wish I was blessed with a clear head to see and realize what it is I want. I still don't know. I mean I know I don't have to know what i want out of a relationship yet, but there's something in me that's just itching to find out. I can't wait to rediscover that happiness I once felt. I mean it's exhilirating, it's addictive! It's euphoria. I wish I could appreciate the little things around me, I wish I was easier to please. I try, but I end up seeing the disappointment in everything.
In all truth I try to avoid being pessimistic. It's unhealthy.
I wrote a paper for my psych class. I'm supposed to be evaluating who I am as a person, or whatever. This is what I've come up with:
*I dint spellcheck or grammar check, so yeah.
Asia is
When it comes to writing about myself, I usually have no qualms about getting all those wonderful and glorious words down on paper. But now that I have to analyze myself as objectively as I possibly can, then that is what I'm having difficulty with. People are said to be defined by what they do, what they wear or what they eat. We measure who we are by the standards that other people has set for us. I disagree with this. I believe that no one really knows who he or she is. But for the sake of an analysis on who I supposedly am, here goes.
Starting with the basics, I am of average female height, my weight is appropriate to my height, and I'm pretty satisfied with how I look physically. I am of legal age and of Filipino descent. My parents separated when I was about 10, and I've learned to deal with that. Although, this event in my life caused me to have issues with men, which will be further discussed later. I live with my grandparents, and I was raised by everyone in the family. There is no distinct ruling body in our household – it's just everyone trying to keep their territory and trying to impose their rules on each other.
As a child I was violent. Before getting separated, my parents were often called to my school because of circumstances involving my displays of physical superiority over the sniveling brats in my class. I was sort of a tomboy. I guess I still kind of am. I have a taste for things boys like. Growing up, I appreciated the World Wrestling Federation. I was very into physical sports like football and rugby. I really liked playing with airguns and sticks. I loved playing outside. I was always the only girl in a big group of boys. I believe this accounts for my aggressive behavior. I still have a little of this, when it comes to dating, I don't like playing the damsel in distress. I'm usually first to speak my mind and I can be very controlling.
I'd like to believe that my low emotional stability (only 26% according to the Cattell 16 test) was generated by the aftermath of my parents splitting up. I remember times when I'd feel really bad because I had to take care of my mother. She was depressed for about a year. I was scared that I might end up like her one day. I took it out on myself. I was often irritable because I didn't know what I could do to change my life. My life in and out of the house were two polar opposites. This may account for the polarity of my moods. I never mixed issues outside with issues with my family. Or so I thought. I later realized that most of my social interactions were influenced greatly by how I behaved and how I was treated at home. At home I was pretty aggressive and I stood up for myself a lot, outside I was pretty easy-going and passive. The tension at home was so different from the ease I thought I felt outside.
I am a pessimistic person, though I've been trying to be more optimistic lately. Ignorance is bliss and I'd rather live happily in blind ignorance than in cruel and waking reality. I try and believe in the best of a person, but the little voice (not literally – I'm not crazy yet, though I think I'll be driven to be some day) inside my head always ends up believing in the worst of people. I'm kind of paranoid. This I think was also caused by my dad's abandonment. I never saw it coming. I tend to believe that people end up betraying you in the end. I think I project these things from what I feel inside, I actually end up doing what I think other people might do to me. In the course of 3 years, which is pretty short, I have managed to kind of abandon the people who have cared for me. I detached myself because I think maybe, I'm scared that they'd detach themselves from me.
For a while I was a very tense person, but I guess my lax personality now was due to a learned helplessness when it comes to the problems I have at home. I can never really do anything about the problems at home because I have no say in anything there. I don't really glum over stuff that happens with friends. When it comes to stressing over people, I only stress about my family and whoever I'm dating at the moment. I like having a lot of friends but I usually just keep a few around me.
I think I may have an oral fixation. I'm fond of biting things. Biting people is a show of affection for me. I don't smoke and I'm not as fond of lollipops as most are, but I'm fond of babbling on and I usually can't control the stuff that I say. I'm sarcastic most of the time and I do think I may develop a dependence on alcohol soon, not that I'd want to. I was over-indulged when I was a child. I was a very spoiled brat. I didn't stop drinking from the bottle until I was seven or eight years old. I think even if I'd like to believe I'm an independent being, I am in fact dependent on other people. I like collecting favors and IOU's because that way, I know that I might be able to depend on other people when I might need to.
I believe that I am also quite stuck in the genital stage of Freud's stages of psychosexual development. College is a den of sex. Some of my really close batchmates, right as this moment, may be having sex with each other. Not that this is something worth mentioning. I don't approve of promiscuity. I don't believe that pre-marital sex is a sin, though. I believe its something natural and it just happens to be one of those basic needs like food and shelter. Which means I'm quite over the 3rd stage of Kohlberg's Moral Development. I don't like over thinking about my peers standards when it comes to sexuality and gender roles.
I adapt easily to my environment. As I mentioned before, I would change my demeanor depending on who I was with, whether it was my family, my friends or a boyfriend. I find it easy and actually quite fun to observe how people behave and how to act based on how people define what's acceptable. I have limits however, so I don't compromise my morals if I'm given a different set of people. I like belonging to someone or something, but at the same time I don't. This is very difficult for me because I end up not knowing what I really want to do.
In conclusion, I still don't know who I am. I doubt I'm going to find out. Lately I've just been trying to find out what I want out of life and who I really want to be. I'm taking my time.
-- So anyway, I reread this, and I failed to mention a lot of other stuff that I find might be important to mention.
I really want to do something with my life. I need more motivation. i always fall short of phenomenal.