i dont know what i want out of my life. I don't know how to deal with my impulses. if I could have one wish, it would be to know what I really want and know what to do to get it. Okay those are two things.
I wanna go with my feelings. The problem is I really don't know how I feel about anything.
RIP Ana Cunanan
My classmate in senior year just recently passed away. Cardiac arrest. Someone told me that she always knew she would die. How does someone handle that? You know, the knowledge of his/her own impending death? I woulndt know what I would do. Well, the obvious things would come first, like doing everything I cold before my time runs out, like streaking in a public area, sky diving or even swimming in a tub of spaghetti a la Patch Adams, I'd probably tell everybody I was going to die soon, an that we should celebrate everything we could before I did. But then I'd also choose to keep it a secret too. It would be weird knowing that people were treating you the way they do because they knew you'd bite the dust pretty soon. I think I'd prefer living the rest of my life normally sans special treatment.
Anyway, cause of this, I've been thinking a lot about the decisions I have made. Including my dating decisions. I really like the guy I'm going out with now, but then Jed and I were getting pretty serious. Am i a fool for wanting to take a breather from such a relationship? I mean I really don't know. I'm not supposed to be worrying about stuff like this yet. I'm barely 18!
I wish I could just live in ignorance and not know what's good for me.
I hate being given choices. I'd rather just accept my fate and deal with it than have freedom to choose and have to hurt someone.
I may not have the best pair of boobs but I'd like to think that yeah, they're not so bad, and they're definitely part of the better looking breasts of the Ateneo populace. True, it does somehow add to my over-all appeal as a female but everyone just sees a girl with breasts. So, I wear shirts that cover them when i feel like hiding them. They make me stand out yet I have also found out that I can actually hide behind them, though not literally. I like my breasts and I actually like the attention people give me because of them. They make people who wouldn't usually talk to me, talk to me, but then it disappoints me because it makes me seem incapable of making a normal connection using just my personality without the influence of my physical gifts. How have breasts become a definition of how womanly you are? What has become of writing or eloquence in words as standards of how a feminine a woman is? I believe that women should not be judged by how they look, beautiful or otherwise, but in how they behave. This is not a patriarchal view because these are my views. I'd rather talk and walk like a lady than be a brute of a man with no manners at all. I mean women should be able to express what they want without having to worry about how other people perceive her. I think the stereotypical demeanor of a woman is not really something that confines us women but something that sets us apart from the animals. I want to be able to talk about anything from something as menial as hoemwork to something as vulgar as sex without sounding like a depraved man would, without looking like a cheap-ass woman. I think that women today, think too much of being labeled as a stereotypical patriarchal woman that it somehow also confines them into acting the opposite way just to prove that they are atypical. We are too concerned about how people see us that it hinders us from doing what we really want to. It is unfair for men AND women to define me as a woman that is atypical just because I behave like a brute sometimes. It is also unfair for men and women to define me as a stereotypical woman just because I CHOOSE to act like a lady at certain times as well. I have been defined as this manly girl by the people around me because I can talk openly about certain things that usually only men can talk about. But how is everything I have said connected with my breasts? EASY! People wont take you seriously if you don't look like their standard “acceptable, pretty girl”. Given what I have, and given what other people have not, It gives me a small advantage at having my voice heard as a woman. I can use my brains,Ii can use my verbal skills but it is SO MUCH EASIER to use what you have physically. I am saying that I shouldn't care about how people see my use of what I have. I should not pay heed to people thinking I am a “flirt” or “cheap” when I do flirt to get what I want. Men use their masculinity to get what they want right? Why not use what I have to get what I want? But just to set the record straight, I don't sleep with people to get what I want. I just use what I have to kind of encourage them into doing what i want so I can have my way. I should, but I can't because that is my problem and that is what society, especially the culture of our country has gotten me used to. You cannot use your “beauty” or more specifically, your breasts to get what you want because men, although having a high regard for breasts, think that these are all you are and these are you'll be, therefore you cannot use them because it will seem unfair to them that fall victim to your “manipulative” ways.
I hold this chocolate wrapper
In my hand I hold something true.
I turn it
Once around, I see that I wrote The Date
You first gave me one of these and the place you did
(We were breaking up then, too)
It was great, that we shared what we shared
But I turn it over again
And now it's just another scrap of paper
That I put in together with
other scraps of paper with random dates with people
I hardly even remember
anymore.
I will miss 2007!!
I fear the day I forget how you smile, how you smell, so hold my hand and don't let go baby :*
♥jed
Get to know yourself better
Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
You have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:
You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.
took this quiz in http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
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