I don't know. When I think about everything, i should have been honest from the very start. Now, I'm paying for the consequences of my stupidity. Jed and I are in trouble. Jedi and Asia. My Jed hates me now. I didn't even mean to hurt him. I did not mean to hurt myself. I felt so cheap and stupid. What could I do? I always used to think that every individual was entitled to their own fair share of secrets. Jed and I are on thin ice. I don't know what to do, I lied by ommision. Turns out, when you have a serious relationship with someone it also means that all those secrets you used to keep should be brought out in the open at the very beginning. I shouldn't have let all those skeletons rot for this long. I did this because I thought I learned. Maybe this is what I have learned from my ex. Before Jiggy, I always thought that honesty was the most important thing in a relationship. After we broke up, something between me and another boy happened. A few weeks later, Jiggy called wanting to fix our relationship and I told him everything. He took back everything he said about getting back together. Everything went to hell after that. So much for honesty. So I decided, maybe some things really were better left unsaid.
THAT WAS MY BIGGEST MISTAKE. I should have trusted Jed's judgment enough. But I didn't. I dont know what I'm going to do to keep him. What should I do? I won't be able to live with myself. I can't just let this person go. I can't just let Jed go. I remember reading something in a book, it went "if you have found what makes you feel happiest then you should go against all odds to keep it." or something like that. I intend to keep fighting. This whole entry sounds so melodramatic but I don't know what else to do. I can't vent because I don't want to put him through another stupid Asia rant because I totally understand why he wants to leave me. I lied twice. But I admitted to those lies eventually. And I thought, isn't that what matters? The eventuality of my confession was inevitable but he thinks that what I did, what we had for the past 7-8 months was wasted because the foundation of trust I built our relationship on was destroyed by me. I had 7 months to tell him everything that happend before we became a couple, before we started seeing each other exclusively. I blew it. But the thing is, I lied about 2 things I intended to bring with me to the grave. things before anything really happened between me and him. I didn't know that he could bring out that confession in me. It was more than just things that had happened before I met him, it was about my integrity, how i saw myself as a girl that could have said "no" that could have exercised better judgment. What I feel for him is so different from what I have ever felt before. He may think he's not doing me any good, and he also thinks I'm not doing him any good anymore. He was trying to be a better person for me and I totally blew it. The truth is, I have now come to realize is that he makes me a better person. I have never realized my real worth before he came. I dont want to lose him. I suffer from low self-esteem that makes me fall victim to the consequences of any indicator of interest in me. And I suffer because I lie to much. A skill that I have come to realize is as useful as it is destructive. I can't lose him. But what do you do with something that has the intent to be lost? I know he loves me, I love him. I love him and I don't want to lose him. I mean I lied about two things, and now he thinks that I lie about everything. I know in my heart that I have never done anything in the duration of our being together that merits the term infidelity, disloyalty or dishonesty. What do I do now? I am so completely at a loss for words to describe the gravity of the emptiness I feel. I lied about two things. Two things that completely devoid any truth I say about anything else I ever say again. He will never trust me again, but I want to help him trust me again because I love him and I know he loves me too. I also believe that what we had was a good thing. In fact it was the best thing I have ever had.
Jed I love you.
