if you leave out the fact that he hurt you, that he's paranoid, psychotic, overly jealous, delusional, over the top...
he would have been perfect.
god damn break-ups.
god damn attachment.
god damn stay-up-all-night-can't-be-away-from-each-other-have-sex-3-times-a-week.
god damn everything.
god damn it.
goddammit.
gadamet.
gad. am. eet.
GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMN IT.
god.
oh god. i hate this so much. god damn extremes.
when it was good, it was amazing. Again, it's bad, and it's fucking goddamn fucking tor-fucking-ture.
quarter me with 4 horses let them rip me the fuck apart. I should know what's good for me. explanations for events that never happen are a goddamn pain in the ass, YOU UGH i can't even say your name. You hurt me. god damn it. I'll be looking back on this very entry 5 years from now, and I'll think to myself, what the fuck (now repeat 3 times).
god damn you. We could have made it. Why are you putting all the fucking blame on me. Why is is it so hard to see what you've been doing, how you've been pushing me to my limits, of patience, tolerance, trust. You broke my trust in you. You break it constantly actually, every promise of trying to get a hold of your god damn fucking TOPAK your fucking HOLE in the head you call a mouth, imposing that slew of badly chosen PUTANGINABOBOMO's without having real basis for ANYTHING YOU EVER SAY.
It makes me soooo mad. And i cant even talk to ANYONE about it. Because you were my goddamn motherfucking bestfuckingfriend now an ex god damn you. I am so tired of saying that I am tired of explaining and convincing you of my "love" god fucking damn it. My patience has run dry and I'm not about to jump in and just say yes whenever you feel like pretending to be a god damn know-it-all you self-righteous "blameless" fucktard. Texting and calling and pretending to be sorry or pretending to want to work it out. YOU DON'T WANT TO WORK IT OUT. YOU WANT ME BACK JUST SO YOU CAN DO ALL THAT AGAIN. Just so you can freak out whenever I'm out of the god damned dorm/house. Just so you can make up drama out of a text that was completely objective.
I can't even talk to anyone about this because no one will fucking understand how hard it is to decide to leave someone you have loved so much (though this is the first time I've felt this serious about any fucking thing) for something that was socially speaking, a goddamn good reason to back the fuck away from your motherfucking hands. It's different when it gets physical. How many times has this happened? Twice? After Quito's and then Mag:Net. God fucking damn you motherfucking ignorant nutless bastard. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, don't expect to be forgiven any time soon. If at all. FUCKINGLSKfjaldhg
I can't talk to anyone who can understand what it's like to meet someone you connect with and just love the fuck out of and then gradually realize that the relationship is getting worse. I can't talk to anyone who might understand what it's like to find someone you really WANT to spend the rest of your life with but CAN'T for fear of losing sight of yourself, for fear of being hurt again. for fear of mistakenly falling for another one of your stupid fucking "revelations" and changes of heart. IT'S BEEN MORE THAN A FUCKING YEAR FUCKING GET OVER IT.
I blame you. You ruined our second chance. You just couldn't allow yourself to give in to what could have been a great relationship. god damn dense pinhead. You had to be wary. That's understandable for a few months, but going to the extremes of giving me the 3rd degree every time your Sicko Sense tingles. god fucking damn you. Finding reasons to make me feel like I wasn't good enough, reasons to call me a whore, to make me feel stupid and full of all the blame. I wouldn't have left you in the first place if you were treating me right. Have you ever considered that? Of course not. And I don't expect you to. If and when we do get around to talking about it, I know for a fucking fact that you will always justify every mistake I've made to be a fault of my own and mine only. Get away from the fucking toke smoke in your eyes and take a big gander at everything you've ever done. And YOU feel like you're a good boyfriend just because you treat me RELATIVELY better than the last few you've stepped on.
God damn you.
Abject apologies I just climbed out from under my rock and realised I have not updated this since they let me out! You would not believe how heavy that rock really is. Stupid Global Warming!
I am out of it with sleeping my way to the top, watching the grass grow, just generally being Snow White to anyone unfortunate to cross my path, my day sprawls from midday to sun down and beyond. I am plotting and planning. can't they see I am blogging.
I was banned from one of the most hateful (and most entertaining) places on the internet. Now, I don't know what to feel about being banned. I do know that I feel extremely bored. My ban lifts on the 9th and until then, I still haven't had anything even remotely entertaining to do besides watching episodes of Daria or HIMYM.
Before getting banned, I would lurk everyday that I was home. I'd promise myself I wouldn't lurk for more than, oh say, an hour. But of course everyone knows that an hour on the internet's bunghole so to speak can turn into 3 to 4 hours of trolling, flaming and complaining about "newfags". So I guess I can say getting banned was a good thing for me. I've come up with a list of what I've been able to accomplish instead of lurking all night after a whole day of well, boredom too.
1. I can draw again! (being able to draw is of course a matter of opinion, I think I'm not doing that bad, though, I might be mistaken)
2. I'm gaining weight. Now I'm not entirely sure if this is a good thing, but so far, my boobs are looking pretty good.
3. I read 2 out of the 6 books I've borrowed and bought for the summer. I only got around to reading them after I was banned :|
4. Practiced my french, and my French
5. Yo practiqué mi español
6. I came up with a plan to keep me writing everyday!
over 9000. I've been catching up on the news. Ian Barry has balls. Props to him for being able to stand up for what he believes in. We have yet to see if his methods have proven effective or otherwise. Plus, DUDE HE LIT UP IN FRONT OF EVERYONE IN SCHOOL. That is just -- I am just -- My God. [applause with a lone tear down my cheek] If I were his dad, I'd be proud that he had balls. It's the guts to do what you think is right that counts, and not whether what he did was completely mental.
8. I've rediscovered StumbleUpon --- this is another one of my internet geek addictions I'm afraid.
9. Found more places to lurk >:)
It's amazing what 3 days of being banned can do to you. Also, I found this interesting comic, Diesel Sweeties.
Reading over what I just wrote...
Asia (duh me), GET A LIFE.
Look: it's a horse
I declare solemnly that when the weather turns bad, I will blog more often. Well, I'll try. Until my paycheck dawneth.
I just wrote another analysis on the story Dead Stars by Paz Marquez Benitez. This is quite possibly my gazillionth attempt at a comrehensive one. For anyone that may need help with some homework, contact me, leave a comment or something in my links page. I have quite a few.
On the subject of Dead Stars, i've recently discovered this artist, Jose Gonzales, while reading this new webcomic ive fallen in love with link click HERE.
I've also been quite busy on deviantart, well, not busy-busy. but I havent been doing much except for mucking around with photoshop. all pretty mediocre work i say. I need more inspiration!! I feel the urge to paint some more. I also have a shitload of drawings and paintings left to upload. Ugh. So many ways to procrastinate, so little time. I AM SOOOOOO lsdkhfklsdh with everything
oh and I have braces now, too. I've had them for about 6 days now and they still hurt like hell. I didn't expect this. I can't eat MEAT!!!!! I can't even kiss properly. UGH I AM BRACEFACE :((
I feel like i've been living someone else's life for the past year and half. I've lost myself and everything I stood for. I've lost sight of everything I used to believe in. When you're with someone with a personality that rivals your own in intensity, there is a tendency for you to let go of the grasp you once held on reality.
you forget that you used to not care how wild you could be
you forget how much liquoryou were actually capable of holding
you forget that you like being alone on sundays and relaxing
you forget that you like hanging out with different, strange and often scary but interesting people
you forget that you like waking up early in the morning (which is now impossible because of all the late night phone calls and arguments)
you forget that you never feel guilty when you flirt playfully with other boys
you forget that you don't care about the time when you're out on the town
you forget that you like taking adventures in trains without having to tell anyone where you are
you forget that you once liked going for walks
you forget that you once liked hanging out with your friends who may not have always been or ever will be good influences but a hell of a lot of fun
you forget that you, yourself were once fun
you were the life of the party
you were the center of the universe
now you're just a plain old girl. With nothing, no one. You've forgotten what you used to tell yourself: "live like it's your last day on earth, no regrets" you've forgotten that when you love, you love with a flourish of passion and drama - which he has quelled to a dull throb in your chest - almost painful, almost sore.
You've forgotten who you are. You used to believe in so many things. You used to believe in life and not choice, acting and not waiting, believing in everything, falling (in every sense of the word) and not stumbling into love.
What has happened to you? You fell, you fumbled, don't change. Don't let go of the last remnants of your once sad, yes, meager, yes, but true life. Stop masquerading as someone's perfect girl. Stop trying to please. Stop demanding. Stop arguing. Stop fighting. Just go with it. Stop crying. Stop being such a pussy. Stop being a woman. Puff up that chest. Don't give in. Find a hobby. Forget regret.
Feel lucky that you were able to experience this. But learn and move on.
We have no one to live for but ourselves and each other.
I know this is the fifty-millionth post about another BREAK-UP with Jed, who I allegedly 'love'. I am so tired of this. I mean I don't mind if he asks me to stop doing things that bother him, you know, the BIG things, but when you top it off with trying to tamper with even the small things about me, it just kind of sets me off. There is no equality in this relationship. I'm a walking tribute to a 30s "Be A Good Wife" magazine. Know your place. Never question him. He is always right. I AM EIGHTEEN THIS IS NOT WHAT A TEENAGE RELATIONSHIP SHOULD FEEL LIKE. This is not me. I stand up for my self. I have my own set of values
that are apparently MUCH MORE rational than any of his. It's so hard. I just know I'll regret this in the morning, which of course I'll try not to think too much about. Damn it. I even bought credits to go on unli for a week. :( oh well. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OCCUPY MYSELF WITHIN THE WEEK. PLLLEAAASEEEE. I guess I have to dump the rest of the vector files ive been working on. UGH. I've been his fangirl. I'll try and do better stuff. But for the sake of good bye's here's one of the last ones i was working on. Theyre pretty sucky though.