I wont write about the good nght ive had last night. I can't write about that. because no matter how much I blind myself, the facts will stare me straight in the face every single night.
You don't trust me. You look for every single goddamned opportunity to find holes in my character for you to exploit. You say you love me and that you'll still be there as my friend but at the first whiff of danger you put your tail in between your legs run away and bark at me from a distance. always screaming. always talking about how you miss me how you want me how you need me
when will this ever stop. its not easy. dont make it any harder
Don't you lift that weight off your shoulders just to put it on mine.
Don't expect things from people you're not ready to give yourself.
Don't lead someone on if you don't want the shit shocked out of you when you turn around to see she's following your every footstep.
Slap on the face. Socked your lip. Busted your lip. What. Do. What. Now.
You don't know what you have. You don't know the value of what's right in front of you.
American History X
EU111
Belief systems or world views are formed most commonly in two ways: self-discovery and/or influencing a more pliable person. Belief systems or world views are basically a set of beliefs that a person or group has adopted, and how it is applied in real life, no matter how subtle or vulgar. A world view is closely related to a person or group’s self image. This is how a person or group knows what place they hold in the society they are moving around in. This belief system that a person has, contributes a large percent to how a person relates to other people in their society.
The movie American History X focused on the world view of a smart young man who was led astray with his white-supremacist bull. Through out the whole movie we are led to believe that Derek Vinyard came out with his own racist beliefs (one of the early scenes where he is shown crying during a news interview after his father gets shot), and how his “hawk” of a friend, Cameron, exploits this extreme hatred for his own ends.
I have to say that given the situation this guy, Derek, was in, it wouldn’t have been hard to start hating and blaming “blacks, browns, yellow, whatever”. With all that grief, he was only looking for an outlet. Or at least, this is how we thought he started. The video of Derek crying about his father’s shooting led us to believe his father’s character was spotless; a regular Joe doing his job who just got shot – poor kid, poor guy.
As Danny narrates the final parts of his paper about how, whenever asked, his brother would always say it all started after his father’s murder, we soon realize that the seeds of racism did not start with the murder, nor were these seeds really nursed by Cameron into budding. We realize that Derek’s racism was a result of an idealistic and easily impressionable young boy’s adoration for his father. Often times, the seeds of what are to become another set of your beliefs, are not shoved quite as blatantly in your face. More often it starts with casual conversations at the dinner table, half-hearted comments here and there, and eventually, those seeds take root. We are shown how Derek was a naïve but brilliant young boy, what with how he was going on about how great Dr. Sweeney was. His opinion of his teacher changed just as soon as his father opened his mouth. Consequentially, his younger brother Danny starts to believe the same things he does too. This just goes to show how belief systems/world views start early on, in the most basic unit of society, the family.
The movie made use of fantastic imagery to convey its message. Black and white flashback scenes show us how his belief in neo-Nazism put him in the dark, void of color or warmth. The present scenes, regularly colored, shows us how he realizes his mistakes, and how Derek and Danny were finally shown the light.
i feel like a whiny retard.
if you leave out the fact that he hurt you, that he's paranoid, psychotic, overly jealous, delusional, over the top...
he would have been perfect.
god damn break-ups.
god damn attachment.
god damn stay-up-all-night-can't-be-away-from-each-other-have-sex-3-times-a-week.
god damn everything.
god damn it.
goddammit.
gadamet.
gad. am. eet.
GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMN IT.
god.
oh god. i hate this so much. god damn extremes.
when it was good, it was amazing. Again, it's bad, and it's fucking goddamn fucking tor-fucking-ture.
quarter me with 4 horses let them rip me the fuck apart. I should know what's good for me. explanations for events that never happen are a goddamn pain in the ass, YOU UGH i can't even say your name. You hurt me. god damn it. I'll be looking back on this very entry 5 years from now, and I'll think to myself, what the fuck (now repeat 3 times).
god damn you. We could have made it. Why are you putting all the fucking blame on me. Why is is it so hard to see what you've been doing, how you've been pushing me to my limits, of patience, tolerance, trust. You broke my trust in you. You break it constantly actually, every promise of trying to get a hold of your god damn fucking TOPAK your fucking HOLE in the head you call a mouth, imposing that slew of badly chosen PUTANGINABOBOMO's without having real basis for ANYTHING YOU EVER SAY.
It makes me soooo mad. And i cant even talk to ANYONE about it. Because you were my goddamn motherfucking bestfuckingfriend now an ex god damn you. I am so tired of saying that I am tired of explaining and convincing you of my "love" god fucking damn it. My patience has run dry and I'm not about to jump in and just say yes whenever you feel like pretending to be a god damn know-it-all you self-righteous "blameless" fucktard. Texting and calling and pretending to be sorry or pretending to want to work it out. YOU DON'T WANT TO WORK IT OUT. YOU WANT ME BACK JUST SO YOU CAN DO ALL THAT AGAIN. Just so you can freak out whenever I'm out of the god damned dorm/house. Just so you can make up drama out of a text that was completely objective.
I can't even talk to anyone about this because no one will fucking understand how hard it is to decide to leave someone you have loved so much (though this is the first time I've felt this serious about any fucking thing) for something that was socially speaking, a goddamn good reason to back the fuck away from your motherfucking hands. It's different when it gets physical. How many times has this happened? Twice? After Quito's and then Mag:Net. God fucking damn you motherfucking ignorant nutless bastard. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, don't expect to be forgiven any time soon. If at all. FUCKINGLSKfjaldhg
I can't talk to anyone who can understand what it's like to meet someone you connect with and just love the fuck out of and then gradually realize that the relationship is getting worse. I can't talk to anyone who might understand what it's like to find someone you really WANT to spend the rest of your life with but CAN'T for fear of losing sight of yourself, for fear of being hurt again. for fear of mistakenly falling for another one of your stupid fucking "revelations" and changes of heart. IT'S BEEN MORE THAN A FUCKING YEAR FUCKING GET OVER IT.
I blame you. You ruined our second chance. You just couldn't allow yourself to give in to what could have been a great relationship. god damn dense pinhead. You had to be wary. That's understandable for a few months, but going to the extremes of giving me the 3rd degree every time your Sicko Sense tingles. god fucking damn you. Finding reasons to make me feel like I wasn't good enough, reasons to call me a whore, to make me feel stupid and full of all the blame. I wouldn't have left you in the first place if you were treating me right. Have you ever considered that? Of course not. And I don't expect you to. If and when we do get around to talking about it, I know for a fucking fact that you will always justify every mistake I've made to be a fault of my own and mine only. Get away from the fucking toke smoke in your eyes and take a big gander at everything you've ever done. And YOU feel like you're a good boyfriend just because you treat me RELATIVELY better than the last few you've stepped on.
God damn you.
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