Himeros et Pothos

062809

2009-06-28T03:58:00.000-07:00

I wont write about the good nght ive had last night. I can't write about that. because no matter how much I blind myself, the facts will stare me straight in the face every single night.

You don't trust me. You look for every single goddamned opportunity to find holes in my character for you to exploit. You say you love me and that you'll still be there as my friend but at the first whiff of danger you put your tail in between your legs run away and bark at me from a distance. always screaming. always talking about how you miss me how you want me how you need me

when will this ever stop. its not easy. dont make it any harder

Closet Space

2009-06-26T18:04:00.000-07:00

Don't you lift that weight off your shoulders just to put it on mine.

Don't expect things from people you're not ready to give yourself.

Don't lead someone on if you don't want the shit shocked out of you when you turn around to see she's following your every footstep.

Slap on the face. Socked your lip. Busted your lip. What. Do. What. Now.

You don't know what you have. You don't know the value of what's right in front of you.

American History X

2009-06-25T00:22:00.000-07:00

American History X

EU111

Belief systems or world views are formed most commonly in two ways: self-discovery and/or influencing a more pliable person. Belief systems or world views are basically a set of beliefs that a person or group has adopted, and how it is applied in real life, no matter how subtle or vulgar. A world view is closely related to a person or group’s self image. This is how a person or group knows what place they hold in the society they are moving around in. This belief system that a person has, contributes a large percent to how a person relates to other people in their society.

The movie American History X focused on the world view of a smart young man who was led astray with his white-supremacist bull. Through out the whole movie we are led to believe that Derek Vinyard came out with his own racist beliefs (one of the early scenes where he is shown crying during a news interview after his father gets shot), and how his “hawk” of a friend, Cameron, exploits this extreme hatred for his own ends.

I have to say that given the situation this guy, Derek, was in, it wouldn’t have been hard to start hating and blaming “blacks, browns, yellow, whatever”. With all that grief, he was only looking for an outlet. Or at least, this is how we thought he started. The video of Derek crying about his father’s shooting led us to believe his father’s character was spotless; a regular Joe doing his job who just got shot – poor kid, poor guy.

As Danny narrates the final parts of his paper about how, whenever asked, his brother would always say it all started after his father’s murder, we soon realize that the seeds of racism did not start with the murder, nor were these seeds really nursed by Cameron into budding. We realize that Derek’s racism was a result of an idealistic and easily impressionable young boy’s adoration for his father. Often times, the seeds of what are to become another set of your beliefs, are not shoved quite as blatantly in your face. More often it starts with casual conversations at the dinner table, half-hearted comments here and there, and eventually, those seeds take root. We are shown how Derek was a naïve but brilliant young boy, what with how he was going on about how great Dr. Sweeney was. His opinion of his teacher changed just as soon as his father opened his mouth. Consequentially, his younger brother Danny starts to believe the same things he does too. This just goes to show how belief systems/world views start early on, in the most basic unit of society, the family.

The movie made use of fantastic imagery to convey its message. Black and white flashback scenes show us how his belief in neo-Nazism put him in the dark, void of color or warmth. The present scenes, regularly colored, shows us how he realizes his mistakes, and how Derek and Danny were finally shown the light.

Natasia Noble

07192009

2009-06-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

i feel like a whiny retard.

why does this have to be so hard

2009-06-18T08:47:00.001-07:00

if you leave out the fact that he hurt you, that he's paranoid, psychotic, overly jealous, delusional, over the top...

he would have been perfect.

god damn break-ups.

god damn attachment.

god damn stay-up-all-night-can't-be-away-from-each-other-have-sex-3-times-a-week.

god damn everything.

god damn it.

goddammit.
gadamet.
gad. am. eet.

GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMN IT.

god.

oh god. i hate this so much. god damn extremes.

when it was good, it was amazing. Again, it's bad, and it's fucking goddamn fucking tor-fucking-ture.

quarter me with 4 horses let them rip me the fuck apart. I should know what's good for me. explanations for events that never happen are a goddamn pain in the ass, YOU UGH i can't even say your name. You hurt me. god damn it. I'll be looking back on this very entry 5 years from now, and I'll think to myself, what the fuck (now repeat 3 times).

god damn you. We could have made it. Why are you putting all the fucking blame on me. Why is is it so hard to see what you've been doing, how you've been pushing me to my limits, of patience, tolerance, trust. You broke my trust in you. You break it constantly actually, every promise of trying to get a hold of your god damn fucking TOPAK your fucking HOLE in the head you call a mouth, imposing that slew of badly chosen PUTANGINABOBOMO's without having real basis for ANYTHING YOU EVER SAY.

It makes me soooo mad. And i cant even talk to ANYONE about it. Because you were my goddamn motherfucking bestfuckingfriend now an ex god damn you. I am so tired of saying that I am tired of explaining and convincing you of my "love" god fucking damn it. My patience has run dry and I'm not about to jump in and just say yes whenever you feel like pretending to be a god damn know-it-all you self-righteous "blameless" fucktard. Texting and calling and pretending to be sorry or pretending to want to work it out. YOU DON'T WANT TO WORK IT OUT. YOU WANT ME BACK JUST SO YOU CAN DO ALL THAT AGAIN. Just so you can freak out whenever I'm out of the god damned dorm/house. Just so you can make up drama out of a text that was completely objective.

I can't even talk to anyone about this because no one will fucking understand how hard it is to decide to leave someone you have loved so much (though this is the first time I've felt this serious about any fucking thing) for something that was socially speaking, a goddamn good reason to back the fuck away from your motherfucking hands. It's different when it gets physical. How many times has this happened? Twice? After Quito's and then Mag:Net. God fucking damn you motherfucking ignorant nutless bastard. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, don't expect to be forgiven any time soon. If at all. FUCKINGLSKfjaldhg

I can't talk to anyone who can understand what it's like to meet someone you connect with and just love the fuck out of and then gradually realize that the relationship is getting worse. I can't talk to anyone who might understand what it's like to find someone you really WANT to spend the rest of your life with but CAN'T for fear of losing sight of yourself, for fear of being hurt again. for fear of mistakenly falling for another one of your stupid fucking "revelations" and changes of heart. IT'S BEEN MORE THAN A FUCKING YEAR FUCKING GET OVER IT.

I blame you. You ruined our second chance. You just couldn't allow yourself to give in to what could have been a great relationship. god damn dense pinhead. You had to be wary. That's understandable for a few months, but going to the extremes of giving me the 3rd degree every time your Sicko Sense tingles. god fucking damn you. Finding reasons to make me feel like I wasn't good enough, reasons to call me a whore, to make me feel stupid and full of all the blame. I wouldn't have left you in the first place if you were treating me right. Have you ever considered that? Of course not. And I don't expect you to. If and when we do get around to talking about it, I know for a fucking fact that you will always justify every mistake I've made to be a fault of my own and mine only. Get away from the fucking toke smoke in your eyes and take a big gander at everything you've ever done. And YOU feel like you're a good boyfriend just because you treat me RELATIVELY better than the last few you've stepped on.

God damn you.

Getting Banned from the Internet Hate Machine

2009-06-08T01:53:00.000-07:00

Abject apologies I just climbed out from under my rock and realised I have not updated this since they let me out! You would not believe how heavy that rock really is. Stupid Global Warming!

I am out of it with sleeping my way to the top, watching the grass grow, just generally being Snow White to anyone unfortunate to cross my path, my day sprawls from midday to sun down and beyond. I am plotting and planning. can't they see I am blogging.

I was banned from one of the most hateful (and most entertaining) places on the internet. Now, I don't know what to feel about being banned. I do know that I feel extremely bored. My ban lifts on the 9th and until then, I still haven't had anything even remotely entertaining to do besides watching episodes of Daria or HIMYM.

Before getting banned, I would lurk everyday that I was home. I'd promise myself I wouldn't lurk for more than, oh say, an hour. But of course everyone knows that an hour on the internet's bunghole so to speak can turn into 3 to 4 hours of trolling, flaming and complaining about "newfags". So I guess I can say getting banned was a good thing for me. I've come up with a list of what I've been able to accomplish instead of lurking all night after a whole day of well, boredom too.

1. I can draw again! (being able to draw is of course a matter of opinion, I think I'm not doing that bad, though, I might be mistaken)
2. I'm gaining weight. Now I'm not entirely sure if this is a good thing, but so far, my boobs are looking pretty good.
3. I read 2 out of the 6 books I've borrowed and bought for the summer. I only got around to reading them after I was banned :|
4. Practiced my french, and my French
5. Yo practiqué mi español
6. I came up with a plan to keep me writing everyday!
over 9000. I've been catching up on the news. Ian Barry has balls. Props to him for being able to stand up for what he believes in. We have yet to see if his methods have proven effective or otherwise. Plus, DUDE HE LIT UP IN FRONT OF EVERYONE IN SCHOOL. That is just -- I am just -- My God. [applause with a lone tear down my cheek] If I were his dad, I'd be proud that he had balls. It's the guts to do what you think is right that counts, and not whether what he did was completely mental.
8. I've rediscovered StumbleUpon --- this is another one of my internet geek addictions I'm afraid.
9. Found more places to lurk >:)

It's amazing what 3 days of being banned can do to you. Also, I found this interesting comic, Diesel Sweeties.

Reading over what I just wrote...

Asia (duh me), GET A LIFE.

Look: it's a horse
I declare solemnly that when the weather turns bad, I will blog more often. Well, I'll try. Until my paycheck dawneth.

Jose Gonzalez , Braceface and Dead Stars

2008-10-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

I just wrote another analysis on the story Dead Stars by Paz Marquez Benitez. This is quite possibly my gazillionth attempt at a comrehensive one. For anyone that may need help with some homework, contact me, leave a comment or something in my links page. I have quite a few.

On the subject of Dead Stars, i've recently discovered this artist, Jose Gonzales, while reading this new webcomic ive fallen in love with link click HERE.

I've also been quite busy on deviantart, well, not busy-busy. but I havent been doing much except for mucking around with photoshop. all pretty mediocre work i say. I need more inspiration!! I feel the urge to paint some more. I also have a shitload of drawings and paintings left to upload. Ugh. So many ways to procrastinate, so little time. I AM SOOOOOO lsdkhfklsdh with everything

oh and I have braces now, too. I've had them for about 6 days now and they still hurt like hell. I didn't expect this. I can't eat MEAT!!!!! I can't even kiss properly. UGH I AM BRACEFACE :((

front

2008-09-16T08:21:00.001-07:00

I feel like i've been living someone else's life for the past year and half. I've lost myself and everything I stood for. I've lost sight of everything I used to believe in. When you're with someone with a personality that rivals your own in intensity, there is a tendency for you to let go of the grasp you once held on reality.

you forget that you used to not care how wild you could be

you forget how much liquoryou were actually capable of holding

you forget that you like being alone on sundays and relaxing

you forget that you like hanging out with different, strange and often scary but interesting people

you forget that you like waking up early in the morning (which is now impossible because of all the late night phone calls and arguments)

you forget that you never feel guilty when you flirt playfully with other boys

you forget that you don't care about the time when you're out on the town

you forget that you like taking adventures in trains without having to tell anyone where you are

you forget that you once liked going for walks

you forget that you once liked hanging out with your friends who may not have always been or ever will be good influences but a hell of a lot of fun

you forget that you, yourself were once fun

you were the life of the party

you were the center of the universe

now you're just a plain old girl. With nothing, no one. You've forgotten what you used to tell yourself: "live like it's your last day on earth, no regrets" you've forgotten that when you love, you love with a flourish of passion and drama - which he has quelled to a dull throb in your chest - almost painful, almost sore.

You've forgotten who you are. You used to believe in so many things. You used to believe in life and not choice, acting and not waiting, believing in everything, falling (in every sense of the word) and not stumbling into love.

What has happened to you? You fell, you fumbled, don't change. Don't let go of the last remnants of your once sad, yes, meager, yes, but true life. Stop masquerading as someone's perfect girl. Stop trying to please. Stop demanding. Stop arguing. Stop fighting. Just go with it. Stop crying. Stop being such a pussy. Stop being a woman. Puff up that chest. Don't give in. Find a hobby. Forget regret.

Feel lucky that you were able to experience this. But learn and move on.

We have no one to live for but ourselves and each other.

Another STUPID decision

2008-08-20T03:37:00.000-07:00

I know this is the fifty-millionth post about another BREAK-UP with Jed, who I allegedly 'love'. I am so tired of this. I mean I don't mind if he asks me to stop doing things that bother him, you know, the BIG things, but when you top it off with trying to tamper with even the small things about me, it just kind of sets me off. There is no equality in this relationship. I'm a walking tribute to a 30s "Be A Good Wife" magazine. Know your place. Never question him. He is always right. I AM EIGHTEEN THIS IS NOT WHAT A TEENAGE RELATIONSHIP SHOULD FEEL LIKE. This is not me. I stand up for my self. I have my own set of values that are apparently MUCH MORE rational than any of his. It's so hard. I just know I'll regret this in the morning, which of course I'll try not to think too much about. Damn it. I even bought credits to go on unli for a week. :( oh well. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OCCUPY MYSELF WITHIN THE WEEK. PLLLEAAASEEEE. I guess I have to dump the rest of the vector files ive been working on. UGH. I've been his fangirl. I'll try and do better stuff. But for the sake of good bye's here's one of the last ones i was working on. Theyre pretty sucky though.

Outstanding Bets

2008-07-19T06:48:00.000-07:00

With Mr. Jed Ivan Lavado Reodica

made within the months of June and July 2008

He and I bear witness to this verbal contract.

On July 30, 2008, if by then he has not gained a significant and very noticeable amount of weight, he must pay Natasia Noble Php 1,000.00 (one thousand pesos). If he is successful however, Natasia Noble will pay him Php 1,500.oo (one thousand five hundred pesos)

In the second up to the third month of their marriage, if and when Jed Reodica utters the statement "I need time alone for my hobbies" or anything close to that idea, he will purchase for his wife, Natasia Noble, Manolo Blahniks - his most expensive pair.

See reference:
Asia Is The Best: so pusta ko
Asia Is The Best: by the 2nd or 3rd month of our marriage mafefeel mo yung need na medyo pabayaan kita maglaro
Asia Is The Best: ok/
Jedibebe: ano nnman
Jedibebe: ok
Jedibebe: you will lose
Jedibebe: makikita mo lng ako
Jedibebe: nag luluto ka
Jedibebe: nasa tabi lgn ako
Asia Is The Best: if i win, you have to buy me Manolo Blahniks - size 8 - classic black pumps
Jedibebe: nakaupo nanunuod
Jedibebe: inaantay ka
Jedibebe: tapos naka open lng ung ps3
Jedibebe: or like nag tatahi ka
Jedibebe: kita mo lng ako sa tabi nak ganito
Asia Is The Best: hahahaha
Asia Is The Best: ok
Asia Is The Best: )
Jedibebe: always waiting for my baby
Asia Is The Best: pero im serious this goes on record
Jedibebe: like anliligo ka
Asia Is The Best: yan ah
Asia Is The Best: agree?
Jedibebe: nsa gilid ako
Jedibebe: ewan daya
Jedibebe: yoko ng gnun
Jedibebe: gsto ko
Jedibebe: KASAMA
Jedibebe: lagilagi

six days

2008-07-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

SHOT! reference for those of you who have been living under rocks: Six Days DJ Shadow ft Mos Def . I was listening to that song when I actually decided to convert the potential energy in my fingers to kinetic and constructive energy.

Situation

I havent written anything in soooo long. My fingers have been itching for the continuous clickity clack of my keyboard which sounds much more musical when i'm blogging than when i'm doing rewrites for a measly twenty to thirty pesos. (Twenty to thirty philippine pesos is equivalent to just one large order of Mickey D's fries.)

Generation

"have you ever been fake for the sake of saving face? ... Doesn't matter what they say" -CIWWAF. Fucking long band name that is. I've generated this new ideal. I mean well Im trying not to care too much about what other people are talking about. I've been such a willing ear for needless gossip and i want to remedy that. Plus I really don't think participating much in whatever's the flavor of the insert-period-of-time-here is a good way to waste time. Wasting time is also not a good way of wasting time, in fact, time should not be wasted, get naked. Which brings me to the subject of saving face. I say to hell with IMAGE AND REPUTATION! Im actually kind of confused right now cause this morning i was thinking about building this image to get what I want, right. anyway, right now I'm into NOT CARING so yeah. It's much easier not too, and it gives you less stress. Plus it provides you with unwilling sources of entertainment when you start walking around in your underwear with your crack airing itself out for the whole universe to see (Just like this girl from my community service class thing we have for school who kept showing everyone her HooHOo --- fine, well not her HooHoo per se, but well pull it down a few millimeters and you strike gold baby). ANYWAY i digress, i have generated this ideal of not caring as much as others do. It actually clashes with my boyfriend's ideals because he's all about image, so I've found a way to reconcile the two contradicting ideals we both have. I shall become a potato or a cucumber. hur. thing is, you can keep trying to please everyone around you, but people will talk shit if they want to and you can't stop that. Who are you really living for anyway? These assholes, your classmates and disposable friends who youre probabaly going to lose contact with in a few years or less or yourself? Reading Wanted comics really supports what Im going for right now. BTW side note: the movie although great, was not as bad ass as the comic, man.

Escalation

Which leads me to my next brain fart, these constant arguments between me and my Jedi have been really getting to me. Stupid me stupid me. But man, i think I can relate to Alyssa in Chasing Amy.
Disclaimer: I do not experiment, K?

Holden: They used you!
Alyssa: No! I used them! You don't think I would've let it happen if I hadn't wanted to? Do you? I was an experimental girl for Christ sake! Maybe you knew from early on your track was from point A to be, but unlike you I was not given a fucking map at birth, so I tried it all! That is until we, you and I, got together and suddenly I was satisfied!

This kind of conversation is on a constant rerun during arguments. I AM NOT AT ALL AS SEXUALLY EXPERIMENTAL AS SHE WAS OKAY. yeah im defensive. AND I DO NOT SLEEP AROUND though some of you might think so. I'm just vocal, alright. I put into words what you people think about in your little heads. But like her, I do have a past that bothers my present. I wish my man could just see what Silent Bob saw before. Here's an excerpt from the movie, this was after Silent Bob was telling Holden about his ex girlfriend's escapades:

Silent Bob: So, I'm totally weirded out by this, right? And I just start blastin' her. Like I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is by callin' her a slut, right? And tell her she was used. I'm-I'm out for blood. I really wanna hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem?", right. And she's just all calmly tryin' to tell me like it was that time and it was that place and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. I'm like, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her strait in the eye, I tell her it's over. I walk.
Jay: Fucking-A.
Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like-like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm saayin'? But, what I did not get, she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was - she was looking for me, for-for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late, man. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy... So to speak.

Devastation

I just want all these arguments to end because its really putting a downer on me, and Ive been trying to be strong. I want to make him happy. I know what Im doing, and I really want to be with him, and it devastates me to think that he doesn't believe in my love for him.

Separation

Okay, setting that aside, I am awesome. i just had to say this, because i believe in the ego diet.

Dissipation

In the time I've taken to write down that first paragraph I have also simultaneously finished upgrading my village on Tribal Wars. I'm a geek that way, alright? Anyway yeah i miss blogging. I haven't had much time to get these things in my head unfangled and untangled. Right now, I'm listening to Cute is What We Aim For's Do What You Do from their album Rotation. Anyway, last week, best happy time ever with Jed. The clash playing in the Background. I Fought The Law upped the ante and served its purpose as the soundtrack to our little tryst. Right now, I think we're good. I mean yeah we're good, but we're still working on our problems.

Anyway, I really want to know what to do with my life, and I'm trying to figure it out slowly. One thing's for sure, I know who I want to be with. That's probably what a typical MySpace emo teen wristslasherXXXXX might say but hell, im 18, allow me my drama.

Society for Rock Anachronism

2008-06-28T18:47:00.000-07:00

I actually googled this band when i saw it in today's Questionable Content Comic. Damn that for making me hope for the existence of such a band. Makes me wonder if i should start my own. I don't have any musical capabilities whatsoever, but i can whistle a fine tune. Anyone else up to making this a reality?

The View from the Afternoon

2008-05-19T05:23:00.000-07:00

Anticipation has a habit to set you up for disappointment..

The Arctic Monkeys couldnt have sung it any better. I've been waiting a lot this whole time. Thing is, I don't know what I've been waiting for. I wish I was blessed with a clear head to see and realize what it is I want. I still don't know. I mean I know I don't have to know what i want out of a relationship yet, but there's something in me that's just itching to find out. I can't wait to rediscover that happiness I once felt. I mean it's exhilirating, it's addictive! It's euphoria. I wish I could appreciate the little things around me, I wish I was easier to please. I try, but I end up seeing the disappointment in everything.

In all truth I try to avoid being pessimistic. It's unhealthy.

I know that you'll find, love, I will possess your heart

2008-05-13T05:19:00.000-07:00

I wrote a paper for my psych class. I'm supposed to be evaluating who I am as a person, or whatever. This is what I've come up with:

*I dint spellcheck or grammar check, so yeah.

Asia is

When it comes to writing about myself, I usually have no qualms about getting all those wonderful and glorious words down on paper. But now that I have to analyze myself as objectively as I possibly can, then that is what I'm having difficulty with. People are said to be defined by what they do, what they wear or what they eat. We measure who we are by the standards that other people has set for us. I disagree with this. I believe that no one really knows who he or she is. But for the sake of an analysis on who I supposedly am, here goes.

Starting with the basics, I am of average female height, my weight is appropriate to my height, and I'm pretty satisfied with how I look physically. I am of legal age and of Filipino descent. My parents separated when I was about 10, and I've learned to deal with that. Although, this event in my life caused me to have issues with men, which will be further discussed later. I live with my grandparents, and I was raised by everyone in the family. There is no distinct ruling body in our household – it's just everyone trying to keep their territory and trying to impose their rules on each other.

As a child I was violent. Before getting separated, my parents were often called to my school because of circumstances involving my displays of physical superiority over the sniveling brats in my class. I was sort of a tomboy. I guess I still kind of am. I have a taste for things boys like. Growing up, I appreciated the World Wrestling Federation. I was very into physical sports like football and rugby. I really liked playing with airguns and sticks. I loved playing outside. I was always the only girl in a big group of boys. I believe this accounts for my aggressive behavior. I still have a little of this, when it comes to dating, I don't like playing the damsel in distress. I'm usually first to speak my mind and I can be very controlling.

I'd like to believe that my low emotional stability (only 26% according to the Cattell 16 test) was generated by the aftermath of my parents splitting up. I remember times when I'd feel really bad because I had to take care of my mother. She was depressed for about a year. I was scared that I might end up like her one day. I took it out on myself. I was often irritable because I didn't know what I could do to change my life. My life in and out of the house were two polar opposites. This may account for the polarity of my moods. I never mixed issues outside with issues with my family. Or so I thought. I later realized that most of my social interactions were influenced greatly by how I behaved and how I was treated at home. At home I was pretty aggressive and I stood up for myself a lot, outside I was pretty easy-going and passive. The tension at home was so different from the ease I thought I felt outside.

I am a pessimistic person, though I've been trying to be more optimistic lately. Ignorance is bliss and I'd rather live happily in blind ignorance than in cruel and waking reality. I try and believe in the best of a person, but the little voice (not literally – I'm not crazy yet, though I think I'll be driven to be some day) inside my head always ends up believing in the worst of people. I'm kind of paranoid. This I think was also caused by my dad's abandonment. I never saw it coming. I tend to believe that people end up betraying you in the end. I think I project these things from what I feel inside, I actually end up doing what I think other people might do to me. In the course of 3 years, which is pretty short, I have managed to kind of abandon the people who have cared for me. I detached myself because I think maybe, I'm scared that they'd detach themselves from me.

For a while I was a very tense person, but I guess my lax personality now was due to a learned helplessness when it comes to the problems I have at home. I can never really do anything about the problems at home because I have no say in anything there. I don't really glum over stuff that happens with friends. When it comes to stressing over people, I only stress about my family and whoever I'm dating at the moment. I like having a lot of friends but I usually just keep a few around me.

I think I may have an oral fixation. I'm fond of biting things. Biting people is a show of affection for me. I don't smoke and I'm not as fond of lollipops as most are, but I'm fond of babbling on and I usually can't control the stuff that I say. I'm sarcastic most of the time and I do think I may develop a dependence on alcohol soon, not that I'd want to. I was over-indulged when I was a child. I was a very spoiled brat. I didn't stop drinking from the bottle until I was seven or eight years old. I think even if I'd like to believe I'm an independent being, I am in fact dependent on other people. I like collecting favors and IOU's because that way, I know that I might be able to depend on other people when I might need to.

I believe that I am also quite stuck in the genital stage of Freud's stages of psychosexual development. College is a den of sex. Some of my really close batchmates, right as this moment, may be having sex with each other. Not that this is something worth mentioning. I don't approve of promiscuity. I don't believe that pre-marital sex is a sin, though. I believe its something natural and it just happens to be one of those basic needs like food and shelter. Which means I'm quite over the 3rd stage of Kohlberg's Moral Development. I don't like over thinking about my peers standards when it comes to sexuality and gender roles.

I adapt easily to my environment. As I mentioned before, I would change my demeanor depending on who I was with, whether it was my family, my friends or a boyfriend. I find it easy and actually quite fun to observe how people behave and how to act based on how people define what's acceptable. I have limits however, so I don't compromise my morals if I'm given a different set of people. I like belonging to someone or something, but at the same time I don't. This is very difficult for me because I end up not knowing what I really want to do.

In conclusion, I still don't know who I am. I doubt I'm going to find out. Lately I've just been trying to find out what I want out of life and who I really want to be. I'm taking my time.

-- So anyway, I reread this, and I failed to mention a lot of other stuff that I find might be important to mention.

I really want to do something with my life. I need more motivation. i always fall short of phenomenal.

041708

2008-04-17T07:27:00.000-07:00

i dont know what i want out of my life. I don't know how to deal with my impulses. if I could have one wish, it would be to know what I really want and know what to do to get it. Okay those are two things.

I wanna go with my feelings. The problem is I really don't know how I feel about anything.

032108

2008-03-21T01:04:00.000-07:00

RIP Ana Cunanan

My classmate in senior year just recently passed away. Cardiac arrest. Someone told me that she always knew she would die. How does someone handle that? You know, the knowledge of his/her own impending death? I woulndt know what I would do. Well, the obvious things would come first, like doing everything I cold before my time runs out, like streaking in a public area, sky diving or even swimming in a tub of spaghetti a la Patch Adams, I'd probably tell everybody I was going to die soon, an that we should celebrate everything we could before I did. But then I'd also choose to keep it a secret too. It would be weird knowing that people were treating you the way they do because they knew you'd bite the dust pretty soon. I think I'd prefer living the rest of my life normally sans special treatment.

Anyway, cause of this, I've been thinking a lot about the decisions I have made. Including my dating decisions. I really like the guy I'm going out with now, but then Jed and I were getting pretty serious. Am i a fool for wanting to take a breather from such a relationship? I mean I really don't know. I'm not supposed to be worrying about stuff like this yet. I'm barely 18!

I wish I could just live in ignorance and not know what's good for me.

I hate being given choices. I'd rather just accept my fate and deal with it than have freedom to choose and have to hurt someone.

Breasts - LIT14 Paper, unedited

2008-01-25T19:52:00.000-08:00

Breasts

I may not have the best pair of boobs but I'd like to think that yeah, they're not so bad, and they're definitely part of the better looking breasts of the Ateneo populace. True, it does somehow add to my over-all appeal as a female but everyone just sees a girl with breasts. So, I wear shirts that cover them when i feel like hiding them. They make me stand out yet I have also found out that I can actually hide behind them, though not literally. I like my breasts and I actually like the attention people give me because of them. They make people who wouldn't usually talk to me, talk to me, but then it disappoints me because it makes me seem incapable of making a normal connection using just my personality without the influence of my physical gifts. How have breasts become a definition of how womanly you are? What has become of writing or eloquence in words as standards of how a feminine a woman is? I believe that women should not be judged by how they look, beautiful or otherwise, but in how they behave. This is not a patriarchal view because these are my views. I'd rather talk and walk like a lady than be a brute of a man with no manners at all. I mean women should be able to express what they want without having to worry about how other people perceive her. I think the stereotypical demeanor of a woman is not really something that confines us women but something that sets us apart from the animals. I want to be able to talk about anything from something as menial as hoemwork to something as vulgar as sex without sounding like a depraved man would, without looking like a cheap-ass woman. I think that women today, think too much of being labeled as a stereotypical patriarchal woman that it somehow also confines them into acting the opposite way just to prove that they are atypical. We are too concerned about how people see us that it hinders us from doing what we really want to. It is unfair for men AND women to define me as a woman that is atypical just because I behave like a brute sometimes. It is also unfair for men and women to define me as a stereotypical woman just because I CHOOSE to act like a lady at certain times as well. I have been defined as this manly girl by the people around me because I can talk openly about certain things that usually only men can talk about. But how is everything I have said connected with my breasts? EASY! People wont take you seriously if you don't look like their standard “acceptable, pretty girl”. Given what I have, and given what other people have not, It gives me a small advantage at having my voice heard as a woman. I can use my brains,Ii can use my verbal skills but it is SO MUCH EASIER to use what you have physically. I am saying that I shouldn't care about how people see my use of what I have. I should not pay heed to people thinking I am a “flirt” or “cheap” when I do flirt to get what I want. Men use their masculinity to get what they want right? Why not use what I have to get what I want? But just to set the record straight, I don't sleep with people to get what I want. I just use what I have to kind of encourage them into doing what i want so I can have my way. I should, but I can't because that is my problem and that is what society, especially the culture of our country has gotten me used to. You cannot use your “beauty” or more specifically, your breasts to get what you want because men, although having a high regard for breasts, think that these are all you are and these are you'll be, therefore you cannot use them because it will seem unfair to them that fall victim to your “manipulative” ways.

Goodbye

2008-01-01T01:47:00.000-08:00

I hold this chocolate wrapper
In my hand I hold something true.
I turn it
Once around, I see that I wrote The Date
You first gave me one of these and the place you did
(We were breaking up then, too)
It was great, that we shared what we shared
But I turn it over again
And now it's just another scrap of paper

That I put in together with

other scraps of paper with random dates with people

I hardly even remember

anymore.

I will miss 2007!!

I fear the day I forget how you smile, how you smell, so hold my hand and don't let go baby :*

♥jed

Get to know yourself better

2007-12-29T03:23:00.000-08:00

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.

took this quiz in http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Explosions in the Sky

2007-12-28T19:44:00.001-08:00

this is a beautiful playlist that I found on imeem.com :)

vapidness

2007-12-27T03:14:00.000-08:00

i feel so dull. i feel so blunt. i have that feeling that you get after vomitting. its this empty grnugy feeling of something else. i dont know how to explain it. i just don't know. I've been in so much pain recently. it's getting too hard to hide it anymore. i can't do this i dont know what to do. i dont know.

122707 New Year's Resolution

2007-12-26T21:56:00.000-08:00

The new year is almost here. I am thankful for the many things that have happened to me so far this year. I celebrate a lot of things that have happened and I regret a few. Nevertheless I believe that without any of these experiences, I would not have learned what I know now. I believe that maybe these things have happened to me for a reason. This year, I grew up more than I could ever believe I could. I managed to handle so many emotionally draining situations than a normal 17 year old should be put up bear. I thank God that he has given me the strength to face my fears and to come out a changed person. I hope that I still have this strength - and more if need be - for the years to come. I know that there are so many things that are just waiting to happen. I pray that I have the strength and the wisdom to handle them. I believe I can, I think I can. I can't wait for 2008. So, for the sake of tradition, I have made a few resolutions and a few things I would like to keep with me for the new year:

-Prayer
-Faith in myself
-MORE patience
-i want to have more strength to handle situations I might not be able to
-i want to be more ambitious
-i want to be more determined

iono. this list is just a few off the top of my head. I think I'll be adding a lot more before december 31.

Christmas Wishlist

2007-12-06T07:16:00.000-08:00

1. A shirt with my face on it VAL and PAM i thank you in advance :)
2. Tech pens or whatever. something to draw with.
3. A new pair of pants
4. new boxers
5. The acer laptop that's always being advertised in the caftv thing. OPALESQUE man.
6. new silk screen shit JOSH :D thank you hahahaha
7. SUSHI! like a boatload.
8. DARK chocolate. like a boatload.
9. someone to fill up my Starbucks planner :D GALVEZ thank you! :D
10. gift checks to buy a shitload of books in Powerbooks
11. New heels
12. gift check worth P5000 (five thousand) to Wham! the burger joint
13. A new sketchpad
14. a really TIGHT hug
15. a backrub
16. something MORE out of this
17. a car
18. new hair
19. new eyeliner
20. a new face.

basically anything superficial and joy-giving. i dont want to say all I want is Happiness. or love. or peace. fuck that. give me something REAL. haha! ha.

My Week So Far

2007-12-01T07:17:00.000-08:00

It's been a week since me and Jed were kind of iffy with each other. So far, we're doing pretty well, we could do better. and i'm trying to make it up to him. I'm thankful he gave me another chance. I feel lucky to have him despite what other people advising against me being with him. i ♥ him so much :)

Ibiza was a complete SUCCESS! :)

[no title]

2007-11-23T23:52:00.000-08:00

Lying by omission is as bad as the act of lying itself. I always thought that some things were better left unsaid and I have come to realize that yeah, maybe what I have believed in, since like forever, is true.

I don't know. When I think about everything, i should have been honest from the very start. Now, I'm paying for the consequences of my stupidity. Jed and I are in trouble. Jedi and Asia. My Jed hates me now. I didn't even mean to hurt him. I did not mean to hurt myself. I felt so cheap and stupid. What could I do? I always used to think that every individual was entitled to their own fair share of secrets. Jed and I are on thin ice. I don't know what to do, I lied by ommision. Turns out, when you have a serious relationship with someone it also means that all those secrets you used to keep should be brought out in the open at the very beginning. I shouldn't have let all those skeletons rot for this long. I did this because I thought I learned. Maybe this is what I have learned from my ex. Before Jiggy, I always thought that honesty was the most important thing in a relationship. After we broke up, something between me and another boy happened. A few weeks later, Jiggy called wanting to fix our relationship and I told him everything. He took back everything he said about getting back together. Everything went to hell after that. So much for honesty. So I decided, maybe some things really were better left unsaid.

THAT WAS MY BIGGEST MISTAKE. I should have trusted Jed's judgment enough. But I didn't. I dont know what I'm going to do to keep him. What should I do? I won't be able to live with myself. I can't just let this person go. I can't just let Jed go. I remember reading something in a book, it went "if you have found what makes you feel happiest then you should go against all odds to keep it." or something like that. I intend to keep fighting. This whole entry sounds so melodramatic but I don't know what else to do. I can't vent because I don't want to put him through another stupid Asia rant because I totally understand why he wants to leave me. I lied twice. But I admitted to those lies eventually. And I thought, isn't that what matters? The eventuality of my confession was inevitable but he thinks that what I did, what we had for the past 7-8 months was wasted because the foundation of trust I built our relationship on was destroyed by me. I had 7 months to tell him everything that happend before we became a couple, before we started seeing each other exclusively. I blew it. But the thing is, I lied about 2 things I intended to bring with me to the grave. things before anything really happened between me and him. I didn't know that he could bring out that confession in me. It was more than just things that had happened before I met him, it was about my integrity, how i saw myself as a girl that could have said "no" that could have exercised better judgment. What I feel for him is so different from what I have ever felt before. He may think he's not doing me any good, and he also thinks I'm not doing him any good anymore. He was trying to be a better person for me and I totally blew it. The truth is, I have now come to realize is that he makes me a better person. I have never realized my real worth before he came. I dont want to lose him. I suffer from low self-esteem that makes me fall victim to the consequences of any indicator of interest in me. And I suffer because I lie to much. A skill that I have come to realize is as useful as it is destructive. I can't lose him. But what do you do with something that has the intent to be lost? I know he loves me, I love him. I love him and I don't want to lose him. I mean I lied about two things, and now he thinks that I lie about everything. I know in my heart that I have never done anything in the duration of our being together that merits the term infidelity, disloyalty or dishonesty. What do I do now? I am so completely at a loss for words to describe the gravity of the emptiness I feel. I lied about two things. Two things that completely devoid any truth I say about anything else I ever say again. He will never trust me again, but I want to help him trust me again because I love him and I know he loves me too. I also believe that what we had was a good thing. In fact it was the best thing I have ever had.

Jed I love you.

[no title]

2007-11-18T07:40:00.000-08:00

you frustrate me so much.

My Lit Homework : A Truthful Poem Is...

2007-11-16T05:09:00.000-08:00

A Truthful Poem Is

The process of writing is no complicated science. I believe that a poem that is a poem should be just a poem and that is all.

Writing, in its entirety, should not be limited to “rules” that have been drawn by robed men that are accustomed to sodomizing their students. I am not saying, however, that these men are less respectable, credit should be given to whom it is due. I do, however, believe that a person's style of writing should not be limited to tradition. The context of a writer's work should not be limited to just the context of the society he or she is living in, but it should be a well-written, sincere attempt of expression. It does not have to have been a product of an epiphany nor should it be required to be useful and instructional. A poem should be beautiful on its own. If in case it is not a very well-written poem (who are we to judge how well-written a poem is?) then it is a poem that is beautiful in its being. A poem should not attempt to speak out yet fail to say what it wants to, it should be subtly blatant in such a way that it's whole meaning simply IS. “A poem should be palpable and mute / as a globed fruit // dumb as old medallions to the thumb, // silent as the sleeve-worn stone/of casement ledges where the moss has grown//” A poem is still a poem even if it serves no obvious purpose because a poem's only purpose is to be itself. It is and it is not a celebration of mundaneness and fascination. “A poem should be motionless in time/ as the moon climbs//” I believe in Ars Poetica by Archibald MacLeish. I believe that a poem, no matter how complicated it may seem, is truly simple if the emotions of the poem are absorbed by the reader. However, not all poems are emotional and dramatic. In this case, these poems may express opinions, political ideologies, exposition of injustices and such. These are truths that need not be dramatized for the sake of its dramatization, it shouldn't have to have a purpose outside of itself, but a purpose for its own being only is purpose enough already.

A poem is what it should be and it shouldn't be anything but a poem. “A poem should not mean/But be.//”*

*italicized lines are from the poem “Ars Poetica” by Archibald MacLeish

Natasia Noble

My Week So Far

2007-11-16T04:12:00.000-08:00

I blog (ibiza) because I'd like to think that A) there are in fact still a few people interested in reading about what's been going on with me and B)that my blogs waste your time. HA! i have stolen your time. LABO. My SUPERWEEK started with my SUPERWEEKEND on FRIDAY, jed's birthday. We hung out here in merville (ibiza) doing absolutely nothing and looking like fools. saturday was with Pam, Nine, Kikay, Caloy, Bea + my brother. Same night as Jed's beerday bash. got super hammerrrrrrrred. hammered with BEER not nailed! okay?

okay. okay. MONDAY SAW ALL MY LOVES AGAIN! ♥ Saw the yellow man. GOLD pala I mean. beautiful. this is the golden boy:

Jed got the itching to watch Hitman, went to Groinbelt to learn that Hitman does not (ibiza)show till the 21st of this month. very nice of him to check in advance. we ended up watching beowulf. THEY SHOWED JOLIE'S NIPPLE!! in the end. hahaha it was funny because, well I'm weird that way. the graphics were woooooooow. Rothgar's (anthony hopkin's) nosehair looked so reallll!! it made me feel sorry for the Enteng Kabisote. which i plan to actually go see one of these days. THURSDAY i waited for my carpool that was supposed to pick me up at 5 but i ended up waiting with Iya and Ansel until 8! 8!!!! I was out by 2. Then today, FUR-eye-day, supposed to go to the dentist but it got cancelled so me and Jed went to Gringo-belt (ibiza)again and watched SupahBAHD. superbad. super. it was okay. the heavy dude with the tits did not really look like he was still in high school. It was a fun fun fun day! FUN WEEK :)
Which brings me to my next thought, this week was sooooo (ibiza) nice I bet that something bad's gonna happen to me soon. That's usually the case for me. I have rotten luck, you see. NOW tomooooorrrroooooow I dont know what to do.

This is a nice poem I found ♥

2007-11-09T03:18:00.000-08:00

If It Should

And if it should happen
that one day you play our song
when I am not there
know that I will hear it
because you are hearing it.
Know that I will not
turn my ears from you
when my chimes ring-
they are yours.
Know that I find instances of you
in distant songs
faint music
old books.
Know that I hear you when I drink
your soft voice
your brush of hair
your tongue full of eden.
And if it should happen
that one day I play our song
when you are not there
know that I will listen for you
as wind listens for doves.

Jed's Birthday

2007-11-08T22:44:00.000-08:00

Today was really fun :) After jogging hahaha I spent the morning with Jed. We hung out and had breakfast in FoodBox. It was great being with him and waking up that early. I got to bed around 2 am the night before so I was kind of buggy when I had to wake up. The sheets were so perfectly inviting I was actually tempted to just lay there and forget about the whole plan and maybe make him come straight to the house instead. But we went ahead as planned and then walked around a few. I've never been so comfortable with anyone my whole life. I mean yeah I can get a little grungy with other people but Iono, I didn't even take a shower [MUY GROSS] and i didn't bother shaving my legs. [it's like I'm building a forcefield to repel members of the opposite sex now] I just love spending time with him. I can be myself around him,and I think he feels the same way too. I'm glad :) He's such a sweet boy ♥ and I love him. I just wish we could have spent the whole day together instead of just the whole morning. Now, I sound clingy. It really is important to have the ability of being totally comfortable around someone you're dating. I mean there are levels of comfort that we're automatically placed in depending on the type of person you're dating. I've comiled the following list, to be edited as soon as I feel like it, which is not any time soon.

Here they are in increasing order based on the subject matter you are able to discuss with them:
-People you can talk to about other people picking on you or backstabbing you, your problems in school like grades and stuff
-People you talk to about your younger brother/sister being annoying
-People you talk to about deep family shit like vacations and why you they wont let you have your own car
-people you talk to about the hurtful things your parents say to you when they get upset with you
-people you talk to about your past heartbreaks
-people you talk to about your past experience.. you know that kind of experience. SEX.
-people you talk to about all your insecurities, your deepest fears, your problems
-people like JED :)

yeah i know, cheesy post. :p

Man I Love

2007-11-07T00:54:00.000-08:00

Forgiving and Forgetting

2007-11-06T03:38:00.000-08:00

Stories from Ancient China: Being Forgiving, Benevolent and Disregarding Other's Mistakes

Han Qi was the Duke of Weiguo and a prime minister during the Song Dynasty of ancient China. One day, while he was leading an army in Ding Wu, he was writing a letter and asked one of his guards to hold a candle so that he could see what he was doing. The guard wasn't careful with the candle and set Han Qi's hair on fire. Han Qi quickly wiped out the flame with his sleeve and continued to write as if nothing had happened. After a while, he noticed that the original guard had been replaced. Han Qi was afraid that the original guard was going to be punished. So he hurriedly told the supervising guard, "Don't replace him. Bring him back. He has already learnt how to hold a candle properly." Everyone in the army greatly admired Han Qi.

When Han Qi was guarding the Da Ming Palace, someone presented him with two precious jade cups and told him, "A farmer found them in a grave, they're flawless in their beauty. They are truly unmatched treasures." Han Qi gave the presenter some platinum to thank him. He loved the cups very much. Whenever he invited guests to a banquet, the two jade cups were always placed on a specially set table covered with silk.

One day, an official in charge of water transportation was invited to attend his banquet. The two cups were brought out. But a guard was careless and knocked them over. Both of the cups were broken. All the guests were aghast and the guard knelt down waiting to be punished severely. Han Qi remained calm and smiled to the guests, remarking "Everything is predestined." He then said to the guard: "You slipped and didn't do it on purpose. How can it be your fault?" All the guests praised Han Qi and admired his great tolerance.

http://clearharmony.net/articles/200611/36500.html

Are You Having Trouble Forgiving Someone?

By Tim Connor

Why is it so hard for people to forgive.

In every relationship each partner will from time to time behave in such a manner that their partner will have the opportunity to forgive them or hold on to the blame, resentment, anger or disappointment.

The willingness to forgive is an important ingredient all successful, peaceful, happy and positive relationships. The ability to forgive will be a useful tool in your relationship if it is used in a timely and effective way. It can be a negative one if used as a manipulation device to get your partner to relent, beg, plead or grovel for your willingness to let go of the hurt, pain or frustration.

Forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook for their transgressions or mistakes. Its primary function and value is to let you off the hook from the damaging consequences of carrying around allot of suppressed negative feelings.

So lets talk about what forgiveness is, what it isn't and how to learn to use this powerful relationship device.

Forgiveness is many things but it is most of all: One, A letting go of the responsibility for the actions, feelings and behavior of your partner. Two, It is taking the power back in your life for your own feelings, attitudes and behavior. Three, It is freeing yourself from the negative emotions connected with the other persons behavior.

Why does it feel so painful when we are hurt by our partner's behavior, actions or words? We feel betrayed, let down, afraid, insecure, out of control, compromised. stupid, victimized and disappointed .

Since many of the reactions and emotions when we are hurt by our partner are negative why do they do the things that cause our pain or anger. First of all they don't do the things to us they just do them. Second they do them for any number of other reasons such as: they are human, they are unskilled at relationship issues, they have their own stuff that they are dealing with in their own consciousness, they don't think, they think we deserve it, they set us up, they don't know they are hurting us, they hurt us for our own good, they hurt us as a result of spill-overs from their own life issues, they hurt us because they don't care and they hurt us because they are on their own path learning the lessons in life that are theirs to learn.

You must remember that one of the reasons your partner is in your life is that they are a mirror for you. You brought them into your life to help you learn more about your self and the lessons you must deal with while on your path to wholeness.

There are many things that get in the way of forgiveness. Some of the more common elements are; ego, stress, poor communication skills, a lack of vulnerability or realness, a lack of honest self disclosure, an attitude that they are right, a desire to not be seen as soft or weak, especially in men, fear and stubbornness.

What about the ultimate benefits of forgiveness. This is the real purpose of forgiveness, to release all the pent up emotions or feelings that will ultimately contribute to poor health if you elect to hang on to them long enough.

The benefits are the release of negative energy, a clearing of the air, it opens the gate to intimacy, you become free of the past, you can move forward in the relationship and you will experience increased trust and security.

The costs of an unwillingness to forgive I am sure are obvious but for the record they are, poor health, emotional distance, broken relationships, stress, frustration and guarded or closed communication and unfinished business.

I have often been asked in my seminar on relationships two vital questions. First, is it possible to forgive someone that you will never see again either because of physical distance or death?

The answer is yes. They may or may not be aware of your forgiveness but remember its primary function is for you not them. The second question I am often asked is are their limits to what you should forgive? The question is no. Forgiveness is not forgetting.

An example I have used is that in a former life I did (according to my partner) a number of things that in her opinion were criteria for divorce. I have asked a number of people if I had done those things to them would they have asked for a divorce. The answer was always no, but that is not my point. If I were to call my former wife to forgive her for her behavior during our separation I am confident her attitude would be that she didn't do anything that required my forgiveness. So here I am I need to release all of this stuff, but I can send it to her without her rejection. Does that mean I am doomed to carry all of this stuff with me to my grave? NO. I sent her my love, light and my forgiveness out into the universe. I released all of my anger, pain and grief. She may or may not be aware of it but I am. And that is all that matters.

One area that we have not touched on so far which is by far the most critical element in forgiveness is the ability to forgive yourself.

Look at your own life in retrospect. What un-forgiveness are you carrying around in your mind that needs to be released. I will bet that you are either consciously or unconsciously punishing yourself for any number of words spoken or not spoken, deeds done or not done, mistakes, failures and behavior that you should have had or not had.

You need to let go of all of this negative baggage about yourself for all the same reasons you need to do it for another person.

There are four stages of forgiveness. The hurting stage, the hating stage, the healing stage and the coming together. Everyone spends a different amount of time in each stage. Everyone experiences and expresses themselves differently while in each stage. The key is to recognize that they exist and to be aware of your behavior while in each stage.

There are a few steps that you can follow to speed up the forgiveness process. They are;

One, learn to see the divinity in your partner. Two, recognize that they are not their behavior. They are so much more than the transgression, words or mistakes. Three, Know that most people are doing the best that they can with what they have at the time. Four, Practice forgiveness in little things before you tackle a biggie. Five, Is this person or situation worth getting sick over. Six, the mind can't hold love and hate in it at the same time, it can't hold un-forgiveness and acceptance in it at the same time. So choose your actions.

You and I are responsible to our partners but not for them. We are responsible for ourselves in the relationship but not their behavior or feelings. We are not responsible to but for. Subtle difference in definition but major difference in attitude or philosophy.

Tim Connor
http://www.timconnor.com

so how can my mistake of not telling you the truth be my fault? yeah i know. stupid question. but still, what's done is done, right? you can't unbreak a cup, you just have to move on.

My Lit Paper thing

2007-11-06T03:31:00.000-08:00

The Company of Wolves by Angela Carter

“There is no place I know that compares to pure imagination” – Willy Wonka

The short story starts out in a grave tone, with descriptions of the violent nature and tendencies of men, wolves, and werewolves. Mid-story the author takes pains in trying to lighten the mood with a description of the setting in an almost Disney-like manner: “It is midwinter and the robin, friend of man, sits on the handle of the gardener's spade and sings.“ It is something of a trap for the readers to get them into this mood, making them expect something light and happy after such a dark introduction.

There are a lot of symbols used to represent the young girl's innocence and virginity. The shawl represented her barrier of womanhood, when she cast it off, it was a show of acceptance of her fate, her submission into womanhood. She knew what she had to do, and she knew that to cast off that shawl that protected her, a gift made by her grandmother, it meant that she had to cast away her parent's protection and step up to the world's inevitable call of corruption. The second paragraph does not fail to forewarn the reader of the coming events. “Children do not stay young for long in this savage country.” The story is sort of a coming-of-age story because it shows the development of the young girl and the final climactic ending of her implied conjugal with the wolf. “See! Sweet and sound she sleeps in granny's bed, between the paws of the tender wolf.”

This story is close to my heart because I am very fond of stories that twist the fairy tales we were used to hearing as children. I remember reading the original unabridged version of the Grimm's fairytale, Cinderella, when I was about 9 or 10. It shattered every Disney dream I ever had. This story is quite similar to Neil Gaiman's version of Snow White, Snow, Glass and Apples. Angela Carter twisted the traditional Little Red Riding Hood story to something a bit more sexual and risque. Before it was mentioned that a student already did a paper on this story, I made my mind up that I would do mine on this too. I use my advantage as a woman to sweetly and sometimes flirtatiously acquire things I may want at the moment, basketball tickets, car rides, lunches... Isn't it but natural for women to use what we possess for our own benefit? This is a use-it-or-lose-it world. Men have used (and abused) their physical “advantage” over us ever since time immemorial. I believe it only natural for young red (the young girl in the story) to have used her sexuality to tame the wolf. It is not only that she had to tame him but then it was also mentioned that she found him far more attractive than most of the men in her village; she was killing two birds with one stone. If men can pursue their phallic objectives then, shouldn't females be able to do the same?

Fairy tales aren’t as pretty as you think. The seduction of the whole idea behind traditional fairy tales lies in the development of the main characters, but alternative stories seduce their readers by showing how the main characters, initially believed innocent, are corrupted by the ways of the world. This shows how cruel we are all inherently. Well, I, for one, believe we all have a little cruel side. We may not admit it but is there. It is the little voice in us that compels us to watch a burning building, some people brawling, public beatings and stone-throwings (not the literal kind). I am sure almost everybody has had the urge to burn an ant with a magnifying glass, pull off a fly’s wings and even have thoughts of your least favorite person choking on her lite-n-chicken salad during a class discussion. We see the embodiment of our cruelty in stories like this.

We are the machines of our own destruction and so, since society’s norms prevent us from realizing these things we subconsciously fantasize about, we see them embodied or put into pictures when we read stories like this. We cause our own deaths. We caused global warming and we helped spread AIDS. I don't mean we directly caused our own deaths, I mean humanity in general. We are all, in the broadest sense, twisted in a way because we enjoy reading about the sacrificing of a young girl’s virginity to a hairy and very well-endowed wolf. Similar to Snow, Glass and Apples but less grotesque and sexually a little more subtle, Company of Wolves is a trap that baits and hooks the reader effectively capturing his or her trust in the beauty that is made to look waiting in the end, and tramples that trust with a subtle transition such that what is happening won’t dawn on the reader until the final betrayal has happened, in this case, the corruption of Little Red Riding Hood.

We see, in movies we watch, stories we read, the realization of our suppressed fears and fantasies. In the early 1930’s there was even a man that put forth a theory that addressed what I just mentioned earlier for a theatre aptly named, The Theatre of Cruelty. The whole purpose of this theatre was to shock audiences in an effort to wake their anxieties that have been buried in the darkest corners if their mind by minimizing the text and exaggerating the available violence and perverseness.^¹

I do believe that we are all inherently good but I also believe in the duality of the human nature. Good and bad traits can very truly co-exist in one and the same person. This is why I believe that a complete innocent can go about her day doing good deeds and come home to kick the cat out of the way, so to speak. This is how child molesters live. They put up fronts and have totally respectable jobs: jobs that can earn the trust of their victims. After which, they develop a friendship with their intended and then BAM! You've got a raped baby. I digress. Anyway, the duality of humanity is wonderful. Women, I believe, can handle this the best. As seen in the story, The Company of Wolves, the woman-child handles the situation of violence with tenderness. She knew that in order to help herself she had to integrate 2 singular sides of herself: she had to use her body as both an object and a weapon. Many feminists will not agree with her blatant exploitation of her body. But, she used her body as bait for the beast and as a key to empowering herself. To answer the question posed during one beauty contest a year or two ago, this is the essence of being a woman – maximizing and integrating the feuding dualities and contradictions of her personality.

Tying everything in, in conclusion, therefore, ergo, at the end of the day, in simplest terms, creaming the cake, topping off the coffee with a bit of rum, loosening the noose, in layman’s terms: humans subconsciously have tendencies of cruelty and grace.

1 “During the early 1930s, the French dramatist and actor Antonin Artaud put forth a theory for a Surrealist theatre called the Theatre of Cruelty. Based on ritual and fantasy, this form of theatre launches an attack on the spectators' subconscious in an attempt to release deep-rooted fears and anxieties that are normally suppressed, forcing people to view themselves and their natures without the shield of civilization. In order to shock the audience and thus evoke the necessary response, the extremes of human nature (often madness and perversion) are graphically portrayed on stage.” Directly quoted from Britannica Online Encyclopedia (http://www.britannica.com/eb/article-42220/Western-theatre#306080.hook) retrieved October 1, 2007

Lo Down

2007-11-05T19:03:00.000-08:00

My life in a nutshell:

I am now studying in the Ateneo, majoring in European Studies. I really wanna learn Italian and German. I've been teaching myself the basics lately. I'm with this great guy right now and I really do believe I love him. Half a year since we've met and so far so good. I still have my two bestfriends, Pam and Valeen with me. Pam's taking up nursing and Valeen's a star now. Where am I left now? I am the star of my own little egotistical universe. So far I haven't really figured out what to do with my life, except maybe learn and do all the things I've always wanted to. I can't wait to graduate and feel what life really is like. 17 years gone and I think I'm doing pretty well for the first 5th of my life. Hear hear to the future!

Welcome Ghosts

2007-11-05T18:57:00.000-08:00

Welcome Ghosts

110507

Lift your head pretty one. Close your eyes

Do you feel the dew on your eyelids the mist on your lips?

Part your pretty lips pretty one

Let me taste your pretty little mouth little one

Open your eyes little one : This is the sunrise

The sunrise in seas in traffic

Behind the conglomerate towers of dew and dreams

Lift your head little one

This is my love

This is my life little one

You are my life little one

You in the dice in the parking lot in the field of my arms

I wrote this while listening to Welcome Ghosts by Explosions in the Sky. Great music right there.

Double E's

2007-11-05T18:52:00.000-08:00

She had a cat and that was the least of it. She had towels – not the terry cloth kind – she had towels of the grainy kind; the ones that scratch your face if you rubbed too hard and too fast. She was used to the towels she had though. Apparently her bulls were also quite used to her lean, long, slender... towels. “towels are towels” they would say. They never really cared if her towels were rough, in fact, they quite liked it. They actually loved it when she would wrap her towels around their muscular broadsides. They did not mind if she smoked a pre-coital cigarette while osculating with them. The white stick hanging limply in the side of her mouth would sometimes burn them when they got too rough. She was the divine Zeus to Europa. Her cat had much to say about that. “How could you say it was 'like throwing a hotdog down a hallway' when you're still on it then, love?” Her cat was a hefty one and it would often resemble a camel's hard stepping pad on her gym days. Her name was Minora. The woman's name was Minora. (was is because she died). Her cat's name was Marjorie and it was a dyed Marmalade. They had a lab, yeah. No one understood the word play. But her towels, oh. When they weren't grainy or rough they could be smooth as silk like a lazy drawl or a mouthful of honey. On her active days, Minora could contract. She could shrink so tightly small that everyone [all the men at least] would go, “Oh this innocent! Miss, wog, eh? MIZUAGE!” They would always scream her name. The bulls would scream her name. But often her name changed. Sometimes she'd be Suzie, Lip or Glandale. Karen, Bev or Rugth. Rught, Rugth... oh she did not have one of those. Her towelette was smooth. She had failed to grow one in her glen of delights. Whenever she was cowed by her bulls, yes, they were hers, her shoulders sloped ever so womanly and it resembled forever rolling hills. But her hills were not hills. They were abundant with life and they glowed with pride. Only her hills could have expressed such pride as she would puff up her horizon. The noon sun would leave shadows that could devour her bipads. The pot in which she manufactured those organics to chemical energy so she could move about was also a sight worthy of odes. Rising and falling for each breath – it had a button. This button was neither here nor there but it was there. Right there, easily missed. And you just did! Oh what a shame. Her HEAD! She had gaping optics that could turn a man to stone and his stones to wood. Each flutter of those flaps of fleshy skin on the frillies of her optics could cause a hurricane in China all the way from where she stood which was here and there and San Francisco. Those two caterpillars carefully shaped caterpillars above her optics rose and fell in joy, surprise or bad weather. It was said she was the most beautiful personification of whatever could be cowed by a bull in a bright green and orange pasture.

110507

:-<

2007-05-25T23:56:00.000-07:00

i am a girl.
i have 5 fingers on my left hand and 5 more on the other
i have 10 toes
i have breasts and a butt
i have a full head of gorgeous hair
i have eyes

i am.

Pam asking about heroes. IM SPOILING THE EPISODE 20 :D

2007-05-10T07:53:00.000-07:00

Asia Noble: i dont care im not saying squat
Pam: since Sylar was trying to kill Peter sa 18. i guess na he's the one who's gonna "die"
Pam: then whoever helps out.
Pam: hiro?!
Pam: isaac?!
Pam: uh....
Pam: nathan?!
Pam: claire?!
Asia Noble: hahahahahahahahah ;lahat sila! pati narin si Meredith
Pam: aaaaaaaaah!
Asia Noble: at si McDreamy
Pam: GAGA!
Asia Noble: tsaka ung sa House magcacameo
Pam: they left new york diba?!
Asia Noble: tapos may sing along
Asia Noble: parang kay Buffy
Asia Noble: oo tapos they went to the Philippines
Asia Noble: may war sa Phils.
Asia Noble: sumali lahat ng heroes
Asia Noble: nadiscover kasi na nandito ung ANSWER
Asia Noble: sa lahat
Pam: kainis ka!
Asia Noble: so lahat sila nagjoin forces
Asia Noble: kasma ng justice league
Pam: kung lahat sila joined forces na, what happens?
Asia Noble: LAHAT SILA MAGEEXPLODE!!! KABOOOM
Pam: shitty, asia. shitty.
Asia Noble: yes tapos may new world order led by....
Asia Noble: *drum roll please*
Asia Noble: PROSPERO PICHAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pam: :))
Asia Noble: joker arroyo
Asia Noble: joker arroyo
Asia Noble: pag bad ka lagot ka!
Pam: lagot ka asia!

:D

doo doo

2007-05-07T01:11:00.000-07:00

so one ex called the other night. that freak. acting drunk does not make you look cool. especially if you can't act. you are such a dork. it makes me wonder what the hell i saw in you in the first place. psh.

do you know what feels good?

2007-05-03T23:11:00.001-07:00

scratch that. do you know what feels GREAT? do YOU know what FEELS AWESOME?

this will definitely sound really bitter but, man it feels great. i swear. haha

The feeling of being with someone as great as HIM felt only better when i found out my exes have been dating total spazzes. ex number 2 is going out with a broomstick. and is actually trying to hook up with girls that say "poh" and use "..." alot. like this

girl: "hUh?...... mer0n...............akong ym...... bkt p0h?"

hahaha HILARIOUS. this feels great.

i mean its not that i delight in other people's misery, but i do. I most definitely do.

I LOOOOOVE IT :))

i just cant get over it. i am so happy :))

bored

2007-04-29T23:36:00.000-07:00

i am autistic. i am sooooooo drowned in my my own little universe inside my head. summer summer. I want some taco bell yeah. hay. games later. iono. im soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED

yo

2007-04-25T05:29:00.000-07:00

okay now im with jed. i dont know if im with with or just with him. i love you jed. haha just a couple of hours ago some fool called to say i won 1,000 bananas that would be delivered at 9 pm sharp and a free house renovation. amazing.

Littlest things by Lily Allen

2006-12-15T18:34:00.000-08:00

oh i love this song :)

Sometimes I find myself sittin' back and reminiscing
Especially when I have to watch other people kissin'
And I remember when you started callin' me your miss's
All the play fightin', all the flirtatious disses
I'd tell you sad stories about my childhood
I dont why I trusted you but I knew that I could
We'd spend the whole weekend lying in our own dirt
I was just so happy in your boxers and your t-shirt

Chorus
Dreams, dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of you and meIt seems, it seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too
The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things are reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if for only one weekendSo come on, tell me
Is this the end?
Drinkin' tea in bed
Watching dvd's
When I discovered all your dirty grotty magazines
You take me out shopping and all we'd buy is trainers
As if we ever needed anything to entertain us
The first time that you introduced me to your friends
And you could tell I was nervous, so you held my hand
When I was feeling down, you made that face you do
No one in the world that could replace you

Chorus
Dreams, dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of me and youIt seems, it seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you feel the same way too
The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things remind me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if for only one weekend
So come on, tell me

its a song

2006-11-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

the more i see of you the less i want you
the tighter you hold on to me the more disgusted i grow
you think you have this hold on me
but all you really have is this
me and your sliver of a memory

i fell hard but now ive gotten back up again
ive come to see the error of my ways
i know i dont deserve this
ive seen better days

ill always love what you were
but what you are will always leave me hanging
ill never again go searching
for your empty sighs

dont waste your lustful breaths on me
dont bother asking for booty calls
the sex wasnt that good
and your breath smelled like shit
(you smoke too much oblivion)

dont expect me to lay here waiting
i aim to please but pleased you were too soon
you left me hanging
short of breath and wanting

you couldnt satisfy
live up to your name man-whore
your egotistic MAGIC WAND
screaming for more i say no more no more
ill rage, rage against the dying of delight

blah

2006-11-22T23:38:00.000-08:00

On Blueberry-Flavored Anything
It occurred to me that we all ought to join together to attack other countries. What has that got to do with Blueberry-Flavored Anything, you may ask? OK. When the grass was still green and the sky still blue life was a little more peaceful. It did not occur to me back then what it is all about. So that's that. Although it felt more like a dream to me then. Nothing like another blogger. Which isn't something I post about usually, but...

sldkfnsl

2006-10-01T21:52:00.000-07:00

i went to see flyboys. nice. cool planes. first time out in 4days. the stupid bagyo sucks like hell. still have a cold. me adn gab two months next week. What of it? haaay, what will happen next?

I am a prophet.

2006-07-12T04:51:00.000-07:00

Read:
this is a conversation between me and rein gomez.

reinthunder: heyy!
Asia Noble: YOOOO
Asia Noble: i was on the radio this morning
reinthunder: what did you say!
Asia Noble: iono
Asia Noble: haha
Asia Noble: i forgot na
Asia Noble: nogs heard me!! kala ko by that time wala nang nakikinig
reinthunder: haha! what station ba?
Asia Noble: 89.9Asia Noble:
reinthunder: nice! haha!
reinthunder: how come you don't reply! wala lang!
Asia Noble: what?Asia Noble: sa jokes mo?
Asia Noble: i dont have load!!
Asia Noble: sorrrrry
Asia Noble: i have load for sun lang
Asia Noble: plus nagloloko fone ko eh sooo
Asia Noble: ayun
Asia Noble: SOOORRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY
reinthunder: hahaha! ok lang! kala ko di mo narereceive!
Asia Noble: nareceive ko mga umaga na
Asia Noble:
reinthunder:
Asia Noble: anywayyy
reinthunder: sun talaga o1
reinthunder: anyway
reinthunder: what's up?
Asia Noble: whats up?
Asia Noble: ahaha
Asia Noble: nothing much
Asia Noble: im a prophet
Asia Noble: you?
reinthunder: explain please!
reinthunder: haha wala, happy classes were called off!
Asia Noble: kasi nung umaga bago pa ko bumangon
Asia Noble: sabi ko "masusupend classes today"
Asia Noble: pero walang sinasabi sa rafio
Asia Noble: radio
Asia Noble: so ayun sinundo ako ng bus
Asia Noble: sabi ko sa kanila "pustahan buhay ko suspended classes"
Asia Noble: nasa bus na ko pero may nagtext sabi wala na raw classes so binalik kami sa mga bahay namin
Asia Noble: maya maya tumawag ang busmate ko sabi "asia, may classes"
Asia Noble: sabi ko naman "PUSTAHAN kng meron man, suspended yan by lunch"
Asia Noble: yan sinundo kami
Asia Noble: we were runniung late na
Asia Noble: we ate at mcdo an rin
Asia Noble: pagkapasok namin sa school, ayan yun akyat classrooms
Asia Noble: sabi ko ulit "PUSTAHAN TAYO, suspended na talaga"
Asia Noble: tapos ung intercom tumunog at may nagsalita "TEACHERS AND STUDENTS blah blah
Asia Noble: You may leave at lunch time, classes have been suspended"
Asia Noble: OH DIBA?
Asia Noble: reinthunder: Aba!
reinthunder: Prophet nga!
reinthunder: Ang super traffic sa ateneo eh hahaha
Asia Noble: oh diba diba? hahahaAsia Noble: oo nga
Asia Noble: kaya nga narinig ni nogs ang aking Shout out eh
Asia Noble: reinthunder: yes naman!reinthunder: regular ka nagshoshout? I mean dun?
Asia Noble: NOOO
Asia Noble: i was just so bored kasi ang tagal bumalik ng bus
Asia Noble: tapos i remembered na i told kikay na id call lang. hahaha kasi we listen to that station pag umaga tapos puro ac girls tumatawag
Asia Noble: reinthunder: ahhhh
reinthunder: pero astig naman nun! hahaha!

my brush with fame hahahaha shyet lame

The Harlequin Girl's Adventure

2006-07-01T04:54:00.000-07:00

The Harlequin girl went to school to refresh her memory of past lessons learned in the learning institution of Scholastica. She found out that Filippino was the first subject to be reviewed. so she and her friends had 2 hours to waste. they decided to embark on an adventure to Ateneo de Manila and Recto. In Recto her friend had a locense made. Sophia Bianca Concordia. Wooh. And then they arrived at Katipunan, Golden Arches. They met up with Mr. Madrid and sat in the expert guides review class. then they left for they had tp return to Scholastica's to review for english. and then they did. After which their friend Francesca went to a meeting with the Lord. Then they went to Taft's branch of golden arches (where their manager died) waiting for Francesca. then they went home.

Oh me

2006-06-28T04:20:00.000-07:00

im in love with my teacher.

2006-04-18T19:59:00.000-07:00

My Abulafia
My Machine

Another day has gone by with me thinking of you and remembering your scent as though you were right beside me. I think to myself, as I hear your laughter in my mind and imagine it filling the room, how long it has been since we have decided to part ways. Ironically, we were the first to go. The first to give up, the first to back out of the dance, the tango, The “vertical expression of a horizontal wish” that now serves as a metaphor for our 4 blissful months together. The first of four couples to give up. We, the ones who condemned the other three as hopefuls and naïve unaware, uneducated, ignorami.

We never did believe in love, did we? Until we both fell victim to it.

Now, I suffer the almost unbearable (oh, now I’m just being dramatic) consequence of our naïve commitment, our pathetic attempt at imitating adulthood by reenacting marriage to some extent but just a wee bit before the limits of sexual intimacy.

Sweet, unendurable memories are embedded deeply, etched, forced, imprinted on my mind. Even the seemingly innocent sweet nothings that you have whispered in my ear echo before my eyes droop and I slip into the eternally sweet comforts of sleep. Even your lewd, malicious, naughty and irresistible comments that never fail to “perk me up” continue to haunt my waking thoughts. What do you think I think about when I wake? You, of course. You conniving scum. You bastard of bastards. Jerk of Jerks. You, He Who Lacks Balls. You have done this to me. You have so imbued your being and placed such an impression on me that I am no longer capable of being with any other man, or woman for that matter, without thinking of you, without screaming out your name unconsciously, without being ghosted by your scent.

I realize, now, then, whenever, what we had was almost like a parody. No, more like a farce. Maybe we were brought together by Eros to show us how bad we’ve got it in. We, who laughed off love, shrugged a shoulder and dismissed it, were the most deeply affected of all. Oh no, you were no Romeo, and I myself were no Juliet, but oh did we make such a pair. You, my Ovid, you and your Amores, and I, your mistress, with my stupid, ambitious deception which I would come to later regret. Eros brought us together to mock us for mocking him. No, wait, he brought us together to show us that by making a mockery of his one Thing, we in the end, would be on the receiving end of a very ill joke.

“I want to hold you close, skin pressed against me tight, it’s so lovely it feels so right. I want to hold you close, soft breast, beating heart, as I whisper in your ear, I want to fucking tear you apart.”

Oh my. My Abulafia. How many pleas have I burdened you with? Oh but you are not burdened by these things for you are only a machine. A medium I have chose to express my emotions. How pathetic this must be. You that I have named after another little machine that has also been used by another tortured soul such as yours truly. An imaginary machine at that, from a book that has taught me so much. A book that became my world for 2 days and a night. What more can I say when all has been said? And with this, I bid you, adieu.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

And last night, you, wretch of wretches called me; Awakened me from my sweet blissful sleep with a modern nuisance called SMS. With the few words “Come sta? Am I invited on the 23rd?” you awoke the dormant emotions within me. The 23rd of April, day of my birth, the day I was born to be with you. I, half expecting that you would probably not reply after I did, told you that yes, of course you were invited. I didn’t expect you to come but, yes, you were invited. There, that said, I can go back and slumber. Then the wretched thing started ringing. Right next to my ear, where it has been a habit of mine to put it next to. And lo, who should be calling at that late hour, but you, my Ovid. And so I answered the call and decided to get up and try to figure out why and what the hell you were doing. A few seconds later, it was hard to miss you see, I noticed you sounded intoxicated. I asked why you called. You asked me of my suitors, who which you rival in a sense that they do something, you don’t , and yet you still expect me to choose you over them. I laughed and shrugged it off because even if I denied the implication, I knew in my bones that it was true. You, being the tease that you are and not realizing the amount of pain you were causing by reopening a closed wound, sang songs in your drunken voice asking for me to help you go to sleep because you could not on your own. This little exchange of “Go to sleep” and “Tell me something to get me to sleep” went on until 2 ante meridian. I did not want to hope again. You were making me hope for another spark. You made me feel like a child, trying to build a bonfire with one wet twig. What did you expect from calling me? That I would just pretend everything was ok and then I could go on letting you make a mockery of myself? Oh no. I knew better than that. As I recount this experience of last night, I realize that by now, you must have probably forgotten that you even ever called me. Oh, the irony of defeat.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

the aftermath

2006-01-28T22:53:00.000-08:00

Wow. I cant believe its been sooo long since i last updated. Its been about 6 months since he and I broke up. I thought I was over it all. I guess not. I went to the AdMU fair last night. I was with 2 of my friends. We met up with someone. Then I saw Miko. We hung out. Mein saw me with him. He got mad at me or something. Miko asked me to his prom. I said 'yes'. Then we sat outside waiting for my ride. I was with Miko. Then Jiggy called... i cant take this.. this will be continued..

i have finally updated!!!!!!!!!!

2005-09-21T00:13:00.000-07:00

its been toooooo long since ive last updated. Here's the sumarized version of the past 3 months. ive broken up with jiggy. ive been single for more than three months now. im doing great. and im happy. ha ha.

...

2005-03-08T23:13:00.000-08:00

What if God never really meant to make us? I'm pretty sure he didn't. God doesn't care about us. I mean he does, but not the way most people think. If he really loves us then he would leave us alone. I dunno. If you really care about someone then you'd leave him alone right? Ang labo... basta... I dont know how to explain it.... the feeling of being torn apart... argh.. happening... now... again.....

anyway.... (its annoying when people use anyways, or nyways...., wala lang... tapos ung mga uneccessary h's pa...) wlang magawa dito as ususal. We had our Edipo presentation earlier today, I was backstage eating the props, peanuts..... haha peanuts are good for the brain... that sentence sounds so wrong... haha...)

joke na nga lang, may buntis tapos nakipagsiping sa asawa nya, nung lumabas ung anak nila may lubog sa noo wala lang... hahahaha

what's so funny about a little kid eating halo-halo while crossing the street? i don't get it.

social studies period

2005-02-21T18:14:00.000-08:00

If I lift up my cries to heaven
Ask God to carry my prayers to you
He'd do it, then he'd slap me
Saying that that was a stupid thing to do

Im playing stupid again
And I have no reason why
It's just that when you did what you did
My hopes soared up high

I've got no reason to believe
That you want me back
I've got no reason to think
That you can fill in what I lack

You never got to know me
And I never did you
But once you told me you loved me
Once you told me you loved me. Once.

Shyat. Needs fixing up pero ayos na yan. Haha yan ang nangyayari kapag pinapalipat ako ng seat dahil sa kadaldalan.

Kilala nyo ba ang ika-apat na gwaping? si Jao Mapa un. Hahaha... vital info from who wants to be a millionaire.

...

2005-02-19T02:53:00.000-08:00

Thursday:
nakashoot ako ng crumpled up paper ball sa trash can. I shot it all the way from my seat. Yay. haha then i drew a cartoon that kind of resembled Hannah, hannah, lakas ng impluwensya mo sakin ah. Sabi din ni hannah lagay ko to todits

tapos i wrote a poem thing... kinda lame...

I bleed too you know.

When you sting me with your words
I bleed too you know
When you stand me up in dates
I bleed too you know
When you flirt with other girls
I bleed too you know
When you tell me things you don't really mean
I bleed too you know
When you said you loved me, then took it back
I BLED... did you know?
When you left a lingering kiss on my innocent cheek
I BLED.. did you know?
When you forgot all about me and got on with your life
I bled. Ofcourse you didn't know.
How could you?

****At first akala namin pangalan ni jiggy mohn jiguel
hahaha

My Favorite Song

2005-02-09T19:41:00.000-08:00

Intro: open chords- maybe Barred too, do it two times
D (Down Up Down)

A (Down Up Down

G (Down Up Down Down)

Verse:D A G
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Bm A G
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

D A G
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

Bm7 A G
And I don't want to go home right now

repeat verse,

the lyrics start:
And all I can taste is this moment
and all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later its over
and i dont want to miss you tonight

Chorus:(play verse part)
And I don't want the the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd understand
when everythihngs made to be broken
i just want you to know who I am

(play intro minus last Em7)
(verse)
And you can't fight the tears that aint coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

(chorus)And I don't want the world to see me
cause I dont think that theyd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Break:D-D-D-D A-A-A-A G-G-G-G

Bm-Bm-Bm-Bm A-A-A-A G-G-G-G

and Solo:(with *generous* slide)
e -----------------------------------------
B -----------------------------------7-----
G -/7----6----2/--7--/9-/11--\2/--7----6---
D -----------------------------------------
A -----------------------------------------
E -----------------------------------------
e ----------------------------9--10--9--------9-
B ------0/12--------------10-----------10-------
G -(6)\---------7--/9/11-------------------11---
D ----------------------------------------------
A ----------------------------------------------
E ----------------------------------------------

(play verse chords)

(chorus)
And I don't want the world to see me...
(chorus)
And I don't want the world ...

Bm A G

I just want you to know who I am

D A G

I just want you to know who i am

Bm A G

I just want you to know who i am

yay

2005-02-07T23:54:00.000-08:00

IQ test.... my iq's 137.. cool... if only I had the will power to actually do some work.. haha.. anyway.. can't wait til feb 12!!!

Lists, lists, lists and more lists

2005-02-07T01:53:00.000-08:00

In the event that someone asks me out... Eto na..

What my boyfriend should be like:
1. He should know how to make me smile
2. He should know how to make me laugh
3. He should know how to make my heart flutter
4. He should make me feel nice
5. He should know how to give GREAT BACKRUBS
6. He should take me to the movies regularly
7. He should treat me like his queen
8. He should know all my favorite food
9. He should know how to give BEARHUGS
10. He should be hygienic... tama ba spelling?
11. He should be Romantic
12. He should be really sweet
13. He should know how to sing or play the guitar or atleast TRY to sing when I ask him to... effort counts.. :)
14 He should be thoughtful
15. He should see me atleast once a week
16. He should know the exact spot I like to be kissed
17. He should hug me and hold my hand when he thinks I need it
18. He should be willing to visit me at school even if he lives really far from there
19. Dapat parang flames..... may banner that declares how much he loves me
20. He should love me for who I am
21. He should tolerate ME
22. He should know how to braid my hair
23. He should write me songs and read me poems
24. He'd send me flowers and chocolates even if there's no occassion at all
25. Just by lookng in my eyes, he'd know what I was thinking
26. He should be a gentleman
27. He should buy me coffee when I crave for it
28. He should get along with my parents
29. He should get along with my friends
30. Scratch everything.... Isa lang kailangan ko... my boyfriend should be ______________

haha ;P

continuation

2005-02-07T01:16:00.000-08:00

What I'd do for my boyfriend

1. I'd make him smile
2. I'd hug him and tell him how cute he is when he smiles
3. I'd make him laugh
4. I'd kiss him and tell him how cute he is when he laughs
5. I'd make his heart flutter
6. I'd make him feel nice
7. I'd always hug him for the very reason he exists
8. I'd always show him and tell him what he means to me
9. I'd go to the movies with him
10. I'd treat him like my king
11. I'd be romantic to the point of cheesiness
12. I'd know all his favorite food......
13...and I'd learn how to cook them for him
14. I'd be really sweet
15. If he were in a band, I'd always be at his gigs cheering for him
16. I'd be thoughtful and give him sweet little nothings
17. Like #16, I'd whisper sweet nothings in his ear when he least expects it
18. On Valentines Day, I'd go to his class and sing him a love song wearing a sign that says (insert name here)'s girl

.... just kidding.. ibang klaseng kapa muks na yan

19. I'd appreciate every iota of him
20. I'd tolerate his weirdness... I'd tolerate him
21. I'd play with his hair and give him massages
22. I'd drw for him and read him poems
23. I'd kiss him and give him stuff just for the fun of it
24. Just by looking in his eyes, I'd know what he was thinking
25. I'd be ladylike for him
26. I'd take care of him
27. I'd get along with his parents
28. I'd get along with his friends
29. I'd make him fall in love with me over and over, every day.
30. ... and I'd fall for him too... over and over, every single, wonderful day.

punyeta

2005-02-01T22:10:00.000-08:00

This is my third blog to date. I'm not in the mood to be all happy and springy and sugar-y. But I will be anyway. You know why? Because I am so in love with this one person!!! haha well, i don't think I'm really IN LOVE, but I like this guy very much. This blog will be dedicated to Him. hehe.. Glee Club get ready, Ima sing praises tonight. Haha wala lang. He has the greatest set of pearly whites. Uber sexy and really nice. He's the cutest guy I've met, even cuter than the almost-fag-but-not-quite guy that dissed me. It was as if the past _ wonderful years of friendship didn't mean anything. Guys. 9 _, 9. Good news is I blew off some of the steam I had left when I got my Computer Test results back. Pasado wlang aral aral. Hahaha. Cooley. I'm not making any sense right now but I don't care.

I just hope to God that he knows how feel. I'm guessing he doesn't. Wait, I think that's a good thing, him not knowing how I feel.......... for him.. (?) My grammar's all messed up. If he knew he'd probably freak out. That tends to happen alot. I just wish there was somehing more.... haha.. whatever.. Last night I was listening to a cd of Nat King Cole. Made me feel all woozy and in love. All his songs were about love and shit(excuse the profanity). It was like he was trying to say something like, "Love is the best thing you could ever have. Life is not worth living without it(I agree) Single life sucks so you better find someone to grow old with before you wither up and and touch the ground. Sad, lonely, meaningless, pointless."
Yeah, I know, I exagerrated a little about that but it does make you think dunnit? :/
Oh ma Gawd. Prom night just 3 weeks away. I don't know if I'm excited or scared. All I've been thinking about lately was him... My knight in shining retainers.... (A little clue there.. haha)
Anyway...... we're having this "discussion" in computer class. I'm not really listening. It's pointless. Just like blogging. Pointless. You know what ese is pointless? This list:
1. Studying about religion
Yeah, yeah. It's all about God. No matter what they teach you at school, how you see your religion totally depends on your family.
2. Kissing before having sex
I haven't had any experience at all. seriously. but you know, if you wanna get down with it why not just do it instead of having to go through that ritual of smashing lips together.
3. The whole MU thing
Like hello, its the same as having a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. MU na hindi pwede magdate sa ibang tao, makipagkilala sa ibang tao... Ang daming bawal... pero pareho lang.. wala lang yung title. Sus.
4. Taking a Bath everyday
Just kidding. :D

I can't think of anything else to complete that list but just a while ago I had loads of stuff that I thought was pointless.

Back to M.K.I.S.R. (kinda sounds like my kisser... hahaha) He's so cool. Hirap nga lang coz I don't have a clue how he feels about me. I don't feel anything so its probably nothing. That's all I'm ever good at. All I'll ever be to guys like him is a friend. Haay. Life sucks. Life's a bitch, but I love her.

Hangang dito na lang.